A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

18 October 2009

The Write Stuff

I am writing a book.

Yeah, yeah...I know what you're thinking, "What??? She can READ??" Hey, Leno could really use you...talents like that are a "rarity" in the comedic realm...

...but, yes...yes, I can read...to answer your above question...and if Sarah Palin can write *cough cough* a book, well, darmit, so can I.

What I originally thought you were going to think was "but it says in her profile that she's been writing a book...you'd figure she woulda had it done by now"...but, little things like...oh, depression...and my pathetic health issues...and lack of a job...and a marriage that didn't turn out like I envisioned, and no money...and...no real friends (other than online ones)...and the fact that no one beat down my door after I won the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest back in 2003 -- altho they do a reality show now about anything and everything...so I totally missed the boat on that one...and okay, what was my point again?

My book.

I started a book once...when I was about 13. Then I put it down and never really picked it back up again. Then I graduated, got a job, got married, had a couple kids, and one day while on a trip to a Science Olympiad competition my daughter was attending about four years ago - I ended up talking to a fellow parent's child regarding what they might want to do after they graduate (like any kid of 12 or 13-year-old really knows what they want to do with the rest of their life). They just did what I expected...shrugged and said, "Uhhh...I dunno". And I said, "Yep...I know what you mean...when I was your age I had no clue what I wanted to do...in fact, there were only two people I went to school with who did. One wanted to be a dentist...and he went on to be a dentist...and the other was Eddie Gillespie, who wanted to be a political speech writer."

Odd, huh? I mean, c'mon...who the heck's ambition in life in 8th and 9th grade centers around writing speeches for politicians...especially in Browns Mills, New Jersey? Well, for those of you who are curious...here's what he ended up doing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Gillespie

Anyway...as I was having this conversation I relayed how I always "wanted to be a writer"...and then it dawned on me, not unlike a ton of bricks, that geez...I just wasted like 30 years wondering what I wanted to do with my life (other than the role of being a mother...which I always wanted to be)...only to find out I KNEW when I was just a kid.

Imagine my initial shock and subsequent "Eureka moment" after the realization of time wasted consisting primarily of sitting on my butt lamenting my great law career...(I always figured I could find a loophole in anything and thus would be an extreme asset to any corporate entity) only to find out that, like Dorothy from "The Wizard of Oz"...I didn't need to go searching anywhere...my "no place like home" was my childhood dream of writing.

What tipped the scales, not of justice...but of determination that I possibly COULD do this, was after I watched a program on A&E's "Biography" - quite some time ago...you know, when A&E actually showed "quality programming". They profiled well-known horror author, Stephen King...whom I never did hold in any high esteem...until after I watched the show...and what he said "literally" changed my mind. He stated that he was determined to write and that he had a game plan: to sit at his typewriter every single night and peck away...for three hours, regardless of what came out. What came out ended up being a "stupid teen angst story" (his words...or something to the effect of) later to be known as "Carrie"...and if it weren't for his wife salvaging it from the trash bin and encouraging him to finish it...well, no one really knows now, do they?

So, I've gotten back in the saddle again...and instead of relying on someone to "co-author" with me (like I did once before), I'm going to sit back and try to go this one alone. I figure if I peck away each night and churn out three pages, I'd have something to edit and re-edit...and further re-edit in about four months.

And, as King had his wife...I have my kids. I told my son the other day of my idea - consisting of the general outline of the book...and...he thought it was GOOD! That might not mean anything to you, but...my son never thinks anything I write is good. It's always "lame", "it's emo", "it's pathetic"...and a few other choice words and phrases I won't go into detail about here. I don't think I've ever written a blog to elicit any other response out of him...so when I told him of the plot I wasn't expecting anything other than the usual. But, he said it was good! He even read what I'd written so far - and praised it...he even went so far as to give me some ideas.

My daughter is helping as well - playing my conscience...always trying to light the fire under my butt..."You REALLY need to start writing your book again before someone else comes up with your idea." And she's right. I've got to hunker down and "Stephen King" it. Well, not "
It" it...but just plain "it"...oh, you know what I mean.

08 October 2009

The Ultimate Mythbusters Episode

Boy those guys from Mythbusters...always trying to outdo themselves with the explosions...and now this! Jamie and Adam sure have their work cut out for them tomorrow when they plan to launch a rocket into space, aim it at the moon, and...literally blow a portion of it to bits.

Now, I've seen them blow up a toilet, blow up a cement truck and even try to blow up a scuba tank inside a fake shark a la "Jaws". Heck, a pig carcass exploded once in a locked up Corvette - in a locked up storage unit in the summer heat...just because...well, it has something to do with decaying bodies...and, well, just go watch an episode of CSI if you want to find out the grisly dynamics behind it...but for now let's go back to the explosions.

This lunar event tomorrow has "Mythbusters" written all over it...and, unless they are in the background somewhere...Jamie and Adam are nowhere to be found. This time the culprits behind it -- are the people from NASA.

Yes...unless you've been locked inside a storage unit yourself, you probably have heard at least some mention of what those "crazy" rocket scientists at NASA plan to do. From what I've gathered, they intend to crash a rocket booster spacecraft doohickey (that's the technical terminology for it) into one of the craters Friday morning and hopefully the wafting debris cloud will ascertain once and for all if there is indeed water on the moon.

That's it.

Adam and Jamie would probably be sorely unimpressed.

There's not supposed to be any Star Wars-type death star explosions ensuing...not even any chunks of space debris hurtling to Earth in some Nostradamus predicted collision course fashion reminiscent of Bruce Willis in "Armageddon". Or...at least I hope not.

Call me crazy, but I just don't "get" the whole experiment...which supposedly can be viewed by amateur astronomers with their equally amateur telescopes (if you call 10-12 inch telescopes "amateurish") at about 7:31 a.m. ET, tomorrow. But if you don't feel like lugging your behemoth outside in your bathrobe thereby missing your morning coffee, shower or commute...you can watch it, live, here instead.

Now, whether they find water on the moon or not tomorrow probably isn't going to change the way we do anything...except maybe bemoan the fact they will probably spend another twenty million billion dollars and set to work (if they haven't already) to crash land another rocket on Mars to see if IT has water, too.

You know...I'm not too sure Carl Sagan would be that impressed either.

Here's another link which is "clearly" warranted for optimal astronomical viewing: Clear Sky Chart

07 October 2009

But were they banned in Boston???

I just was watching "The History Channel" and this commercial came on. I thought it was "bleeping" brilliant - but I'm figuring it won't last long on the airwaves in Alabama...along with the others (below it) which only aired less than a handful of times here:


Here are the others (which were hilariously funny in my opinion) which met their demise in a New York advertising minute:

All deserved much more airplay if you ask me...unfortunately, it seems, all the incredibly stupid ones go on and on and on...

(I apologize for not knowing how to imbed YouTube videos on Blogger.com...if anyone knows how - feel free to clue me in.)

04 October 2009

"Trick" or Treat?

I ventured over to the newly opened "Halloween" store the other day; the one on the Eastern Boulevard by Lowe's (or is it Home Depot) where the "Goody's" used to be. Now I'm no Einstein, but I'd say this is probably a "seasonal" store...as I doubt they are planning to sell Halloween items year 'round...and at the beginning of November they'll pull up stakes (a Dracula pun)...and count (yet another!) their proceeds. I really don't think "The Christmas Store" will move in after - but you never can tell; but one would presume "The Christmas Store" would still do a lot more business than "The Saint Patrick's Day Store" -- or at least one would hope.

Now Montgomery is no stranger to giant Halloween stores...they had one a couple Halloween's ago - and these might be the same people, only in a different location...but the people who did one up prior - were MUCH more into it...and it was nearly a whole haunting experience to even set foot in the place. This one had some decorations laid out and a fog machine or two churning out some acrid smoke which I started wondering about 10 minutes in...whether or not the pellets were laced with cyanide or at least a hefty portion of lead paint...but seeing I'm still here and it's been like two weeks...chances are good I won't die from it now.

Apart from the lack of scare factor and the smelly smoke...the first thing I noticed is that the place is laid out with two distinct sides: the children side...and the adult side. And once you start rummaging around on the "adult side"...well, you'll see why.

It's naughty.

Sexy goth girl, sexy vampiress, sexy bar wench, sexy pixie chick, sexy nurse, sexy French maid...and the one that made my poor Catholic eyes burn in their sockets: sexy nun. Now I don't know about you...but if you are buying a sexy nun costume - you have just procured...and secured... your space in Hell.

Those of you who aren't that aware with the laws and bi-laws of Alabama - might not be aware that you can't sell porn here...or paraphernalia thereof...altho the "Love Stuff" store gets around this...uh...loophole..and sells these items for "educational purposes only". Don't believe me? Check out their web site online...which you have to look at in the "cached" mode - as it's not there anymore...hmmm...

But needless to say - selling these costumes is okie dokie during Halloween...I guess as long as you have a clear delineation line between the kid's stuff and the...um...well, love stuff...aka...adult Halloween costumes.

Please don't get me wrong - I have no problem with "dressing up" per se...heaven knows I've semi-fantasized about Hugh Jackman in a Conquistador outfit on more than one occasion...but then again...who hasn't?

But it just strikes me as funny - and ironic - that you can buy these outfits...which are clearly not intended for Halloween purposes only...in a state which forbids a painting of a naked nymph on a bottle of wine. (Yes, Alabama...I'll never let you live that one down.)

Still...hands down the naughtiest costume ever (and Walmart even sold it) in my opinion is this bovine one; be forewarned...this will make you spit milk out of your nose if you're drinking it when you look...and how appropriate is that?