A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

25 November 2009


Okay, who else is really getting creeped out by the constant barrage of Viagra and Cialis commercials?

You know, back when I was a kid, there was nothing more annoying than the "Hey, Pam...what's in the bright blue box?" "It's Stayfree Maxipads!" And then "Perky Pam", who was bumped into - in the airport by her friend, who coincidentally spills the entire contents of her purse on the floor...who coincidentally is carrying a HUGE box of 40-count of them...who feels compelled to hold them up for everyone to see...proceeds to tout their remarkable absorbability.

They would play that commercial interspersed with the "horseback riding, tennis playing, white pants-wearing" woman who also carried a 40-pack of Tampax in her purse. Then to round it off, it would be "Hey, Mom...do you ever have that "not so fresh feeling?" - and true to form, all girls supposedly confront their moms about feminine hygiene smell-masking products...and all moms carry around a 4-pack of Massengil..."just in case" this confrontation finally happens.

I don't know about you - but growing up as a young teen...realizing that I ultimately will have to carry around a detergent-sized box of feminine products wherever I go...well, I was afraid to leave my house.

Well, for some reason those commercials got replaced by ED ones. You know ED...not unlike "Bob"...who has a new swing on life...ED is Bob's black-sheep brother - who is determined to get all the attention.

"ED", of course, is "Erectile Dysfunction", and apparently every single guy in America who is over the age of 45...will not be able to leave his house because of it.

Oh, wait...that came out wrong. Let me try again...

...these commercials are friggen creepy!

Not only are they creeping ME out - but they creep out my son and my daughter. Hell, I bet they creep my cats out, too.

And where do they find the most smarmy-seeming guys for these ads? Do they march them in...have a woman go "Ewwwwwww, I'd NEVER have sex with that guy...*shudder shudder*" and then the advertising execs say "Yep! You're hired! Because if guys see YOU getting lucky on television...well, they figure THEY'LL have a shot, too."

Don't believe me? Ask any woman if they'd toss out the magazines, TV remote and whatever else she tosses out on the lawn...just to have a "four-hour moment" alone with this guy. The only thing I'd be tossing...would be my cookies.

Then there's the guy who keeps looking at, and talking to, his reflection in the store windows in the Mayberry town he's strolling thru...only to have it say things back to him like "Heading to the doctor? So, are you going to ask him this time? Isn't it time for Viagra? Isn't it time for the dry heaves?"

Sorry, that last one was my comment...not the commercial.

Then the coup de grĂ¢ce...the "dual claw-footed cast-iron bathtubs at the beach" advert.

You know, whenever *I* get into an amorous mood, there's nothing more appealing to me than heading to the shore with my surfboard and metal tub on top of my woody. Oh wait...that didn't come out right, either...

...you see - a "woody" was a type of car. Seriously, it was...see?

But, if you were over 45 you'd already know this...and you'd also know the "Viva Viagra" song is making Elvis spin in his grave.

Anyway...these 60-second spots (not to be confused with that "four hour" spot)...make me long...

...for those bygone days of my youth.

I'm sure even "Pam" would agree.

14 November 2009

Sick Vs Evil

"Oh, he's sick in the head."

No, he's not - he's just plain EVIL.

Frankly, (upcoming pun intended) I am getting pretty sick and tired of hearing the above to "why away" what people do.

The other day, I'm driving down I-85 and I notice a kitten smashed almost beyond recognition in the middle of the four lanes. There's nothing else around it...but above there is an overpass. It dawns on me...I bet some "sick ****" (you can fill in the blanks I'm sure) threw the kitten off the overpass and into the traffic. Did he or she want to see if kittens indeed land on their feet? No. They did it, I'm sure, to see how fast it would get splatted...regardless of which way it landed.

Now, you might argue, "Why, yes, Mariann...that is just plain sick."

Of course I have no proof this is the scenario - but the odds of this kitten making it all the way across the highway in the middle of nowhere, by itself, is pretty damned slim. Most kittens don't go venturing solo. I've had many cats and kittens - if they stray too far, you can bet the mother will pick it up and bring it back.

But let me get back to my original thought...and for the sake of this example, let's say this is how it happened. The person who did this was not sick...they are just plain EVIL.

Chances are they knew the outcome ahead of time - and they knew the odds of the kitten surviving was nil. They made a conscious decision to toss it over the edge anyway. That is pure evil. No doubt about it - nothing sick going on here.

Granted, there are "sick" people who do things - and I don't discount mental illness...and I don't discount there are people in this world who don't have the mental capacity to make sound decisions. This exists.

But evil also exists.

When a person goes on a rampage and kills a bunch of people...and plots it out and otherwise can make it through their daily life and know which side of their bread to butter...well, these people are not sick in my opinion.

I am sure you remember Jeffrey Dahmer. Everyone and their mother was saying "oh...this guy's sick in the head". "NOOOOOOO!" I said. If he's deemed sick in the head - he won't stand trial and be convicted. He'll just go to "get cured" and then be released. This man KNEW what he was doing. He deliberately went about his "mission" to seek out and kill and then dismember and dispose of his victims. This requires some forethought - it requires an amount of intelligence and care to not get caught. Had this person indeed been "sick in the head" - he would have been doing something totally contrary to his actions...and been caught long before. Dahmer DID do sick things...I never said he didn't - but he was evil. There was an evil in him which crept up each and every time. Had he really wanted to stop...he could have. He enjoyed what he did...even if it repulsed him...or so he said. The very first time he killed, he "knew what had to be done in order to get rid of the body". He himself admitted he "knew" what had to be done. Not sick. Evil. End of story. He was proven "sane" and sentenced. Luckily they didn't buy into the "sick" scenario.

So, as I watched the Dahmer trial on "Court TV" all those years ago, I was desensitized by hearing the horrid details. The first time I heard -- I cringed...I flinched...I winced. Absolutely gross. The second day of the trial...same details - less wincing. By the third day...and, mind you, it only took THREE days of testimony...I was desensitized enough not to cringe thereafter. Each time I heard what he did -- even though what he did should have been just as horrific the first time I heard it...or the one-millionth.

I know you've probably heard this one on the news as well...or maybe you, yourself, have uttered a version of it: "A man walked into a building today, injuring eight, but only three died." ONLY??? So, wait, let me get this straight...one, two, or three is okay? How many have to die to make it "unacceptable"? Twenty?

Hearing this type of talk...from the news, from our co-workers, or from passers-by waiting in line in the supermarket...subconsciously creeps into our brains and tweaks them. "Only one dead. Thank goodness ONLY ONE died." What the heck kind of reasoning IS this we are subjecting ourselves to?
I've even heard myself saying it.

We, as a nation, are becoming desensitized. We are becoming complacent. We are becoming convinced...the things some people do...which are horrid and pure evil, are just "sick".

"Sick" seems to discount what they've done..."evil", however, doesn't.

I say it's time we wake up and stop branding people "sick in the head" so easily and nonchalantly - and start calling them what they truly are: just plain evil. Perhaps then there will be stricter penalties and accountability across the board.

07 November 2009

"Fired Up" About My 200th Blog Post

I wanted to make my 200th blog something special.

I started one a while ago...but as I can't get any real info online about who it was who supposedly kept talking after having their head lopped off (I'm thinking royalty - in the Anne Boleyn or Marie Antoinette arena)...I was stopped dead in my tracks. I didn't want to fake it and I sure as heck didn't want to take "Kimberleigh's" word for it at the "Ask Yahoo" website. People who feel compelled to abbreviate three letter words such as "you" to "u"...well, I tend to look at with a bit of disdain and certainly a hefty modicum of skepticism. So, when they say things like "U no, I read sumwhere it was Queen Victoria who speeked after there head were cut off"...when Victoria, who, at the ripe old age of 81, died of natural causes in her bed...well, perhaps Kimberleigh should open up her school books between making YouTube videos showing how much fatter her lips look after using Lip Venom.

So...that one's out until a later date...but I seriously wanted this blog to have some kind of spark...to cause a burning desire for anyone stumbling across it...to read it. So, I went sniffing around for something with some impact...and I found it.

I found it alright. Or should I really say "it found me". It's not even far - only one street over where from where I live. And it found me again tonite...in fact, you could say it smoked me right out.

There is a guy who lives one street over from me who deems it absolutely necessary to burn things every single weekend. Well, there might have been three weekends when he ran out of stuff to burn...but other than that...this weekend pyromaniac turns up the heat and without fail, finds something lying around to set ablaze.

Now, I live in Wetumpka...not the city - but the parts where things like fire codes, leash laws, building permits, and out-and-out laws don't exist. One of those "we've been doing it like this since my great-great-great-great granpappy did...so if it's not broke, don't fix it" kinda places.

It's not a bad place to live, in fact it's very nice...but it's no Mayberry...Barney doesn't get his panties in a wad and nips this in the bud. If he did, this would have been nipped ages ago.

Everyone I speak with HATES this burning this man does...but the conversation kinda goes like this when I try to venture outside to walk around the block:

Me: "Hi!"
Them: "Hiya! It's a shame this guy does this every weekend." (No need to say what "this" is - we all know what "this" is.)
Me: "Yep...I thought I'd take a walk, but I'm going to have to turn around because I can't breathe." I've had two lung operations and it hurts."
Them: "I can't breathe either - I don't know what he burns every single day."
Me: "It's all in my house, too."
Them: "Mine, too - that's why I thought I'd go outside - to get a breath of fresh air without smoke in it...but it's not working."

And then we say our "good-byes" and part ways.

My house, for some reason is situated exactly downwind of this...and as such, I can't turn on the air conditioner or the heater because it sucks it all up and disperses it into my house. Even without it...single-paned windows seem to keep out about as much noxious fumes as screen doors do.

So, yesterday, when my daughter was sitting here saying she had a massive headache...and I did as well...I decided to phone up the police. I knew they probably couldn't do too much - but if they came over and smelled it, perhaps they'd be sympathetic to my plight and knock on the guy's door or something.

Sure enough, the officer came over - and there's really nothing he can do...but he said he'd go over and see if the lights were on to let the guy know it's irritating people. As luck would have it, a neighbour of mine, upon seeing the police car in my driveway, stopped by to see what was up. He substantiated everything I said and then some. So now the police know it's not just me who gets burned up over this whole situation.

The police officer suggested I call the station when he's burning - before 5:00 on weekdays.

I told him that was the catch...this guy burns starting around 4:00 on Fridays...and keeps it stoked until Monday...when he probably douses it out - because he knows darned well the offices aren't open to investigate...and the Fire Department can't be contacted to see if there's any burn permits on record. Again, the whole M-F dealie.

The officer further suggested I contact the Mayor's office on Monday. This has been going on for years. I can't open my windows, go outside, or do yard work (and many others endure this way of living as well) because of this man...and we're literally held prisoners in our homes on weekends because of him. One man should not be able to wield such power.

I think I will indeed call the Mayor's office to see what can be done. And if I have to light a fire under his butt to get a stricter burn-code enacted - it's high time...as, frankly, this whole situation the way it is...stinks.