A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

13 March 2011

A Totally Cheesy Story

I've been challenged to write a couple blogs. One being about an incident in my youth involving a mall, a rugby player and fake English accents...and another where I take two totally unrelated words/ideas and then link them up together in a slightly amusing story...rather what I tried to do when I did my "Potato Farmers" blog located here: http://mariannsimms.blogspot.com/2009/08/potato-farmers-new-vampires.html

And while I am always up to a challenge...especially when it comes to writing...I couldn't help but post up a photo before I eat all the evidence.

Normally I am not a big Cheetos fan, but my son was running off at the mouth the other day about how gross Cheetos were...yadda yadda yadda...and before I knew it I was at the store determined to buy a bag, open it up, smash a few on my chest and literally lie back...in wait...for my son to finally stop his game long enough in his room to come out and see me. This, I figured, would really get him annoyed, and honestly, what joy does a woman of my age (with a 23-year-old son who stays locked away behind a door sitting on his butt playing video games all day) really have anymore?

Yeah, exactly...

...so there I was in the Cheetos aisle.

I wasn't too fond of the crunchy ones as they don't have that nice air-puffed, melt-in-your mouth feel to them. The white cheddar (I'm assuming...I didn't stare at the bag long enough) Cheetos just didn't seem right...plus the tell-tale orange-y powder that gets on everything would lose its impact if it were a pale yellow...and the word "NATURAL" on any bag of Cheetos...well, didn't seem...natural to me.

Then I spied them...the puffy kind, but with a twist. Literally, a twist:

So, I grabbed my bag, along with one-hundred fifteen dollars worth of other stuff you typically buy when you shop hungry, and I left the store...with visions of pissing off my son dancing in my head. Yeah, I was smiling from ear to ear.

I came home and tasked him with putting away the groceries. I mean, he sits all day and eats my food, the least he can do is put it away while I go and turn on my computer to check my mail and begin to sit on my butt the rest of the day.

And just as I envisioned it, I heard it: "Why'd you get these? Oh, these are blah blah blah..."

My purpose fulfilled, I decided to uncork my brand new bottle of Grey Goose vodka (yes, it has a cork) and make myself a yummy Martini. I hadn't had one for a few weeks and this type of elation called for a celebration. Okay, emptying the cat litter-box would have been just cause to make a Martini...but you know, for purposes of this story, it was all about the Cheetos.

So, I poured my liquid luxury into my sleek Waterford "Connoisseur Gold" Martini glass and topped it off with a nice lemon twist. My olives were banished inside the refrigerator because I didn't hear them "pop" sufficiently. (One day I will do my anal food blog, I swear. Hmmm...that didn't sound quite right.)

Then I proceeded to check my mail some more and go on Facebook (something I hadn't really done other than to promote my blog...which never worked on Facebook before but that still didn't stop me from trying). and this time actually try to come up with a witty "status" line. Undoubtedly going on Facebook when it's not 3:00 a.m. has its perks -- as people are actually ON it. I commented - and, lo and behold, people answered back. I was amused for a while until the Martini was gone.

I, being the sort who believes all beverages look better in a fancy glass (packaging is almost everything after all), decided to pop open (and I listened and it made the "thwuck" noise) one of my daughter's Gatorades - the "Cool Blue" flavour. Personally, I would think the lemon-lime or the red kind is tastier than the blue, but she likes the blue, so that's the kind we get.

The "Cool Blue" hue looks startlingly like the shade of blue that Hpnotiq (the alcoholic beverage) stuff comes in...and whenever I pour it into my Martini glass I always think of it. That's really the only time I do think of it as I'm not particularly fond of Hpnotiq...altho I had to try it once as it was a very pretty blue colour and the bottle was kinda cool looking. Yeah...again, the packaging is often times much better than the contents.

I stared at my mock alcoholic drink and saw the lifeless lemon twist at the bottom beginning to suck up the colouring like those limp, lifeless celery stalks in those 5th grade "Science Projects" with the glasses of food dye. It was turning an unhealthy shade of "blellow". It was pretty obnoxious. I sat and looked at it some more. "The only thing" I thought, "which would look more gross...would be if something orange was up against the blue."

Then I had a "Eureeka!" moment: The spiral shape of the Cheetos twisty things might actually be able to be perched upon my Martini glass like a makeshift bar garnishment.

These are the things 3:00 a.m. in my world are made of.

Yes, I know...you are all jealous you don't lead the type of life I do...the type of life you can only dream about. Yes, those dreams are usually called "nightmares"...but they are still dreams nonetheless.

So, I present to you...without further ado...with staging...without the Hpnotiq bottle (but shown separately)...my idea of the most unappealing drink known to mankind:

(Behold..."The Cheesy Martini")

Now, who's up for a refill?


  1. Crunchy... because they're fried.

  2. I thought I was the only freak that drank things like Gatorade in pretty glasses! The world wants to know: "Did you dunk the cheeto to see what color it would turn?"

  3. Well, by the time I adjusted the Cheeto the way I wanted it for the photo shoot (yeah...I was "professional" as you can tell by my counter not being cleaned off)- it started leaving little orange crumbs in my glass. My daughter thought I was crazy but I ate the Cheeto and drank the "cheese-infused" drink. Hey, it's not any different from eating them and taking a sip after all. :)

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who does the fancy drink glasses, too. :)

  4. Mariann, I hope you just did the photo shoot with those things. Oh wait, you did drink the blue and orange stuff and ate the cheeto. I'm fascinated and vaguely disgusted. Please don't eat the cheetos. Please.

  5. Linda - You and my son? Don't be a Cheeto-hater, too! :)

  6. Truthfully? I could see myself downing a few of those (and also scarfing down handfuls of the Cheetos in-between rounds.) Let us leave our unfulfilled lives, full of Cheeto haters living among us, and travel from cheap motel room to cheap motel room in an orange-fingered ecstasy of lust!

    How do you feel about Circus Peanuts?

  7. A Cheeto Martini! I love it. I like Cheetos and I like booze, so why not combine the two? I think 3 a.m. suits you just fine, Mariann. You get all creative then, and that's a good thing.

  8. Sully - Circus peanuts are very abnormal - their only rival being "candy corn".

    Mike - Woohooo! Someone thinks I'm creative! If I had a diary I'd underline that part TWICE.

  9. the philnonymous17 March, 2011 05:29

    Wow, your son is a Cheetoh hater! How unsurprising. I vote for the crunchy ones as the texture is better, especially when you white-trash-em up by putting them in a burger (genius! btw, if you haven't tried it). I hear the spicy ones are great, so that will be my next I-have-no-life adventure.

  10. Orange snob! We could have had great adventures together, but, alas, it shall never come to pass.

  11. Don't sell me out too short, Sully. You should see my next idea I have for those curly orange cuties. :)

  12. Love the blog!! Now, if I can only get the orange dust off me fingers

  13. I would totally drink a Cheetos Martini because both are awesome and probably can be safely combined, especially if you have enough of them.

    Facebook with booze is the only way to go. Without booze it doesn't make much sense.

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