A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

15 March 2006

Soccer To Me

Well...I hate to admit it...but I'm a soccer mom. But, it's not what you think. My kids don't have to be shuffled from ballet to tap, from piano to gymnastics, from basketball to softball...and back again. Only one child...female...heaven forbid my 18-year-old son ever would participate in sports as a child or adult, for that matter. One T-ball season when he was five, with Attila-the-Hun for a coach...broke him out of EVER joining another team event. Unless you can call video games a "team event"...but that's a whole other blog...and I digress. So, it's just the one...BUT...let me enlighten you a tad, you are reading this straight from someone who has never seen the break of day...unless it's from the other side of the fence...and what I mean by that is...I am NOT a morning person. Did you also know that I am, from all established counts of it, the ONLY non-morning person IN Montgomery that I've found? Oh, sure, there might be two others out there...but I haven't found them. Consequently, this is a typical conversation around the soccer practice field:

Them: "Hey, when's the game on Saturday? Anybody know?"

Coach: "8:00 a.m..."(Turning to me) "Do you think YOU can make it...because that's the time you're just getting to bed, isn't it? Guess we won't see YOU there."

Me: "Hey, hasn't anyone EVER thought of maybe sleeping IN on Saturdays?? How about we hold these games at 3:00 P.M.?"

Them: (Perplexed look on their collective faces as if I am now sprouting an alien's head on top of my own.) "Uh...no." (Continue idle chatter here.)

And so will go another tortuous, grueling, near Olympic-paced training/soccer game schedule for the next three months until they break for the summer and I get a most deserved and sincerely welcomed reprieve...until Spring.

1 comment:

  1. The Author is indeed right. Though she is a "non-morning person" of unusually staggering proportion, she occupies what is her natural place in the confused mass of Circadian Rhythms in which humans are constantly tripping one another. Thus, Soccer Mom finds herself out driving when she has no clearer notion of reality than to place a large bet that the Cubs will win the World Series this year. Irresponsible, you say? Definitely!

    I blame the Coach, 100%. And this is why:

    The thing about "morning people" is that they seem to have a genetic inability to understand that we "non-morning people" cannot simply drink that magic 33rd cup of coffee and light up like that twerp working with Regis Philbin. If it's merely unwillingness, then I think that the Non-Morning People (who have just achieved definitive status with the addition of capitalization) should have full legal rights to use whatever instrument is handy to wipe that sunny, cheerful glow off the morning person's face (No, they do not get capitalization).

    You may have gathered that I, myself, am not a morning person.

    Face it, morning people: We who are Non-Morning Persons are really tired of the constant oppression. If you don't like our a.m. incivility, how about respecting our civil rights to NOT force ourselves out of the house before a nice, reasonable hour. Like noon.

    You evil coach, you! Look what you're doing to the nice Soccer Mom, who is a lovely & sweet person (Sure, I know her. Unlike you, in your folly). You are forcing her to set a horrible example for her own daughter, and messing with sacred family traditions!

    Damn, you should be ashamed!