Day 7: Hint Hint

Today's challenge over at "We Work for Cheese" is "Hint Hint"...and, this is going to be a very short blog...in a way.

 

Some of you might have the same problem I have...and that's trying to draw readers over to your blog.  I get happy when people say they've read it...and incredibly ecstatic when someone takes the time to comment...and I've always told everyone, "I live for comments...good, bad, or anonymous.  Hint hint."

 

So...ummmm...hint hint.

 

I initially started writing a blog for The Montgomery Advertiser back in March 2006 - hoping they would notice my "brilliance" as a writer (or at least my "above mediocre" ability) and hire me.  It didn't work. The previous executive editor even called me in to talk to her for a whopping two hours...but that's all I have to say about that in public.  All the same, feel free to write them/him (as they have a new editor) and who knows, perhaps with the right nudging they might call me back in and give me that shot after all (and, yes, I'm serious).
 
Anyway, here's a sprinkling of some of my previous blogs, a "Top Ten List" if you will. Some are silly, some are sad, and some are just the early morning ramblings of a woman who takes her Ambien way too late and fancies herself a writer.

I don't ask that you read all of them...that would be ridiculous -- just pick whichever title strikes a chord...or choose your favourite number from 1-10...and go with that one. Oh...and leave me a comment. 

 

Again, hint hint.  :)

 

 

1. Viagra...vating

 

2. Esmerelda and the Area Known as 51

 

3. Driven to Tears

 

4.  Hollywood Lights

 

5.  Of Ripples of Butterfly Wings

 

6.  A Small Slimmer of Taupe

 

7.  Two Guys, a Girl and a Tube Tester

 

8.  Ancient Alien Conspiracy Regarding "The War of the Worlds"

 

9.  Potato Farmers - the New Vampires?

 

10.  Halloween is Different for Me This Year

 

 

(I apologize in advance for some of these not having the photo that I yanked off the Internet for insertion into my blog...apparently someone yanked them.  If I went in and redid my blog with a new photo, it would take me 40 minutes per blog to add all the HTML code to make the spacing correct as it always screws up the spacing and fonts when I edit...so I left them without images.  It even managed to mess up the link colours.  Why?  I don't know!  Blogger is indeed maddening. )

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Well, all this month I am challenging myself to start writing again by attempting to do a blog every other day. Yes, I've seen people do that "blog a day" thing - but I don't like being a sheep...so I decided "every other day" would be much, much, much more original.

I must admit that I used to have some belief in myself that I could write a book...but upon going to Barnes & Noble the other day, I have decided I have no chance in hell as everyone has a series and no one writes just one book at a time anymore. You have to have a set - and they have to be all about sex and clowns and vampires and horror...and basically, I've had the life sucked out of me by a clown I used to have sex with and I don't want to relive that horror by writing about it over and over again.

So, here goes my feeble attempt at writing again. Bear with me...I might take a few tries to get back in my stride, that is, if I ever had one.

(Some of the blogs this month were thought of quite a while ago...but I thought I would write them anyway.)

The Times They Are A-Changin'

So, I laid in bed again until the sun was set. This is nothing new as I'm not a morning person...which baffles most people altho I haven't a clue why. I can totally understand someone going to bed at 8:00 and waking up at 4:00 regardless of the a.m. or p.m. factor.

The only problem I have with it is that other people like to phone me up whilst I'm in my Ambien coma...and then they expect me to carry on a normal conversation which they expect me to remember later. I pretty much answer the phone with a disclaimer, "Hello...uh...since I'm Ambien right now, could you possibly call back later so I can have some idea of who you are or what we just said...or just leave a message on my answering machine?"

But, most times they won't understand, and they keep on talking altho it is clear to anyone listening to me...that I am not listening to them. Now I know I am prone to droning on and on and rambling - but usually not rambling incoherently like I do when I take my Ambien. Then, when I call them later (usually doctor's offices) they act like I should remember my conversation - but they are well aware of what Ambien does to a person...and I find that disconcerting as I am entrusting these people with the welfare of my health.

Anyway...I do digress...

...another problem with waking up much later than everyone else has to do with the time change. Why they still flip-flop the clocks back and forth is beyond me. Supposedly it was because of farmers and the daylight and their sheep being startled when the sun set earlier (like who hasn't used that excuse with the sheep...am I right Scotland?)...or something dealing with their crops and plowing.

But, as I get no sunshine in my body because I see no sunshine...I am left probably feeling like I do because of a huge lack of Vitamin D in my body. Truth be told I could easily be a vampire if it wasn't for that whole biting the neck and drinking blood bit...not because I dislike the taste of blood - I find it kinda tasty, at least my own...but I would be all germaphobic and would have to wait until the tests came back and by that time my victim would be long gone and I'd be toast as the only time the doctors ever call back is during the daytime.

But...honestly, why do they need to switch the clocks around anymore? They've found (the same "they" as always - "they" know stuff we don't) that losing that hour makes people more prone to health issues, causes more traffic accidents, and makes everyone pretty unbearable for half the year. And just when everyone is getting back to normal...they switch it again and everyone is off kilter again.

The strange thing is that not everyone observes it...and you could be working in a place up the road that doesn't...and just think how incredibly annoying that would be half the year. Also, why does Alaska even use it? Isn't it dark half the year there anyway? How would they even know what time it was by looking outside? Why would they care? They could shave off three hours and no one would be the wiser...and it's not like they are plowing a whole hell of a lot of crops in Alaska with the no hours of daylight...unless they are a big mushroom producer (because mushrooms grow in the dark), which they aren't...and I know this because "they" have told me that Pennsylvania is the mushroom capital of the US.

Heaven help me...I know trivia about mushroom production...and with that, seriously, I need to catch up on some sleep. That was sleep, not sheep...so don't you all try to blame it on the Ambien as we are on MY time now and I know what I'm saying even if you don't remember what I've said.

Hollywood Lights

So I'm sitting here watching the "X-Men Wolverine: Origins" movie and I'm perplexed as to which super powers this "Gambit" guy has...so I Google it up.

Apparently, according to Wiki, Gambit (and I always thought he was a girl in the comic books) "Possesses the power to manipulate kinetic energy, as well as hypnotic charm. He's also skilled in card-throwing, hand-to-hand combat, and the use of a staff". He also used to be a smoker in the comic books and so was Wolverine...but, of course, as no one can be seen smoking anymore, they made them both quit. Wolverine still chomps away at cigars in the films...but, hey, he can't get hurt...so no harm done, right?

So, I'm thinking...hmmmm...if I'm a kid trying to emulate Gambit - I can see this line of reasoning unfold:

Geez, I'm no good at card throwing...can't get a single one of them to go inside that hat on the floor. I have absolutely no clue what kinetic energy is, so I probably don't have that. I never win any arm-wrestling contests, so that's right out...and I've failed to hypnotize my three-year-old sister altho I did manage to get her to throw up once...but that's only because I told her the spaghetti she just ate was actually worms. As far as that staff thing goes...well, I can't even hit a friggen baseball. But...

...I can take up smoking and be just like Gambit!

I'm always amazed at reasoning.

There's people...correction, mutants...with giant blade claws and teeth and some with powers of invisibility and others that can shove their bare hand up the business end of a tank's grenade launcher barrel...causing it to blow up from the inside out, and of course, walk away totally unscathed. There's a guy with laser eyes and people...er mutants...who basically can't die no matter how many times you stab, throw them into things, or shoot them with your guns...but heaven forbid one of them is also SMOKING when he's tossing back a few brewskies or whiskeys at the end of the day down at some sleazy logging bar that caters to low-lifes and mutants.

So the thing that gets the ax...is smoking? The body count is about 497 and that's just fine and dandy; hell, even Wolverine just had some wild sex with the "powers of persuasion" chick. That's all okie dokie...just as long as there's no post-coital light-ups.

It used to be common knowledge that the code in much older films for "we just had sex" was the "fade to black" gradually panning back to some dual smoking scene. The sex wasn't shown but the deep cigarette inhalations were. Nowadays, the sex is shown but the cigarettes aren't. Go figure.

Oh, well...let your kids turn into gun toting, card playing, knife brandishing, authority rebelling little mutants...because that's acceptable. And while your little Pyro-emulating kid is testing out what he can do with fire, just make sure the cigarettes are way out of reach, because lighting up one of those can sure get him in a heep of trouble.

And, kids, if you're gambling on things illegally (especially in this town), be careful; you could possibly end up in jail...buying privileges with packs of smokes. Oh, wait...but you wouldn't know anything about that. A fine up-standing non-smoker like yourself - never seeing it on television or movies...well, I'm sure if you think real hard, you can find something else to trade while you're in there.

Well, it seems we've now come full circle...and if Hollywood would allow me to show you that circle, they'd look a little like this:

I best tone this down or I'll probably be attacked by the anti-smoking coalition campaign people...or maybe I'm just blowing smoke up your...but...read this if you didn't know it already.

Potato Farmers - the New Vampires?

Nosferatu, Count Dracula, Lestat, those "Twilight" books, BBC's "Being Human"...and countless other books/films/shows...are all about vampires. Now, while the allure of the vampire is quite compelling...and makes for a good story...I sat here and wondered, "Well, anyone can create a vampire story...it's like just a "continuation" of something which has been done before...a rehash of sorts. It's like taking a story like "Alice in Wonderland" and embellishing it a bit. I mean, it's been done by Lewis Carroll...but if I take it one step further or change it up a bit...it's okay? It's now mine? Well, that's too darn easy. Let's do something which hasn't been done before...but everything has been done before, right?

Yes...everything but a book/film about a potato farmer.

Oh, I checked - "Of Mice and Men" didn't specifically have potatoes...and the film had a lot of hay in it. "Witness" had a lot of hayfields, too. Movies about farmers have been done...but the really hot, lurid goings-on - on a potato farm? Especially if you start it out back in the time of the potato famine...and work it forward. The whole history of "PotatoMan".

C'mon, Will Smith did "Hancock" - I saw "Hancock". "Hancock" was horrid...not even "PotatoMan" could possibly be that bad. Hear me out here...

...the potato has had a very illustrious and compelling history. First you had the famine. (Well, I'm sure there was something before then - but you have to start somewhere.) Sure, the famine was not fun...but if you take a very hot guy with an Irish accent, put him in a well-fitted, slightly worn and rugged shirt and pants...think of a cross between Daniel Day-Lewis and Bryan Brown and throw in a dash of Hugh Jackman...well, you already got your movie right there. All you need is a few words of dialogue. Face it...I'd watch a movie with Hugh Jackman just reading the dictionary...for me, it doesn't need to be Shakespeare here for it to work. Then if you have Hugh Jackman with a ripped shirt reading the dictionary...it could even be a "Serbian to Dutch" dictionary...and, well...I'm going to watch it MORE than once.

Then for some effect - some silly thing happens...like he gets bitten by a potato borer infected with blight and has an allergic reaction (think "Spiderman") - and he gets immortality. He doesn't have to possess superhuman strength or anything...and giving him "borer-power" would be plain idiotic...so let's stick with "everlasting life".

Segue years later...we see him wiping the sweat from his brow while he rests on his pitchfork...a 1940s tractor slowly meandering in the background...similar to the wheat field scene from "Gladiator" - only there's a tractor and a guy picking potatoes instead. With a nice sepia tone to it...really artsy...and sepia always goes very nicely with a moist bronze tan glistening in the sunlight. Yep...Hugh Jackman half-naked basking in the sunlight. Yep. Hmmmm...okay...where was I?

Oh, yeah...okay, there he is...toiling away in the field when, "Eureka!"...a "light-bulb" moment...comes into his head. You see the camera panning in quickly - so you know something super-inspirational has just occurred. It's one of those "epiphany" moments...and it's a definitive turning point in the film. (Yes...I decided to scrap the book idea - and go straight to the big screen on this puppy.)

"PotatoMan" gets this vision...this astonishingly "Nostradamus-clear as a bell" revelation...which will change history as we know it: Mr. Potato Head.


Oh, sure, scoff at Mr. Potato Head...but many lives were virtually changed because of him. And lest us not forget this...how many toys do you know were that famous enough to have a counterpart...other than Barbie...and her and Ken never did tie the knot...the harlot. But, Mr. Potato Head indeed made a respectable woman out of Mrs. Potato Head...and was willing to share not only the limelight with her...but also his very being. His parts...they fit on Mrs. Potato Head; both are willing to see things out of the eyes of the other...literally. This IS the way a marriage should be. We should learn from them...these are compromises...not who gets the car on Wednesday and who gets to control the remote...but when Mr. Potato Head lends a hand to the Missus....he honestly lends her one. I am near tears here, people...theirs is such...such...a giving relationship.

And don't forget how Mr. Potato Head saved Disney. Without him showing up to lend a hand...or eyes...to Woody in "Toy Story"...Pixar would have been yet another dream; with him...it was a full-fledged realization. Potatoes can be the glue to hold a film industry together...and they can even make and break people. History recounts, with much (and then even much more) snickering, the events of 15 June 1992, when our very own Vice-President sat down in Trenton, New Jersey, and matched wits against William Figueroa, 12, a sixth-grader from the Mott School...who bested Mr. Quayle "e"asily. Yes, I'm talking about the great "potato(e)" debaucle which metaphorically whipped the American public into a frenzy - and cut VP Quayle down more than a few slices...and because of the gaffe he couldn't shake...his career quickly went to pieces after that.

"PotatoMan", of course, in his prescience of mind years before...knew these happenings were going to transpire...but, being less the super hero and more just a "thinking man's potato farmer" [who is also immortal]...oh, he knows all. Well, all things potato-related.

When Spuds MacKenzie had to go into rehab in the 1980s...who do you think was there for him? When kids used to decide things by going "One potato, two potato..." it was not merely a nonsensical schoolyard game...but an homage to the great man himself. Yes...even the long ago-played game of "Hot Potato", shortened from its little-known original title of "Hot PotatoMan"...is proof positive that he has fielded and handled all manner of ridicule...and, not being someone who was ever thin-skinned - he has persevered. He has persevered throughout the centuries and never came across as half-baked. He stands resolute in his determination to do good all the days he has on Earth...until that fateful end of days when everything will be consumed by fire. And such is this man - known only as "PotatoMan"...who, even through the inevitable consuming conflagration...before he gets charred to an infinitesimal cinder, will, for one brief, shining moment...smell absolutely wonderful.


End Note: Yes...this was a silly blog. I thought it would be fun to take two totally unconnected items - in this case "Vampires" and "potatoes"...and attempt to give potatoes something which countless couch potatoes could eat up.

So, in closing, I'd like to point one fact out: Face it - potatoes are great. Without potatoes there would be no vodka. Without vodka there would be no Vodka Martinis. Without Vodka Martinis, there would be no James Bond. Without James Bond, Sean Connery's greatest role would have been the guy singing in "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" (oh, don't believe me - go look up the trivia in the IMDb). Without Sean Connery, Craig Ferguson wouldn't get any laughs when he does Connery's Scottish accent...and without Craig Ferguson...I wouldn't get hired next month to be one of his writers...thereby propelling me into the annals of film-writing stardom with my insanely riotous and insightful look into the oft-overlooked and tragically only taken for granted...lowly potato...

...man, what a roundabout way to not only validate this silly blog...but also to beg for a writing job from Craig. (Feel free to forward this on to Craig Ferguson...the least he could do is not laugh.)