A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

17 January 2010

A Small Slimmer of Taupe: Blogger Idol - Round 3

This is my parody of a late-nite infomercial my son and I have had the "delightful misfortune" to catch...twice. I could not find the original airing of what I've seen...this is a close proximity of it, although this is the first time I've seen it offered in two colours. My blog does not reflect that (and other things) as I'm making fun of the "original"...and the concept in general. Here is the video clip first in case you are curious (although you do not need to view it in my opinion): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JfgFXEnvhk

How many times has this happened to you?

You are just drunk enough to possibly get horizontal with that hot guy at the bar when you realize you have a Kymaro Body Shaper on. It took you two friggen hours to wiggle your fat ass into that puppy...and if you remember how great your legs always feel after they're finally released from your pantyhose...well, you're in for a good 10 minutes of making orgasmic noises by self-scratching alone.

So...you have to think this one out carefully, girls.

Now, granted...it just "magically" erased 13 inches off your waist and 20 pounds off your body (where the weight goes is anyone's guess - but the infomercial said it - and they should know, right?) - but, even though it is "flesh" coloured, and by "flesh" we mean a pasty "Pillsbury Doughboy" white; it really doesn't blend in with any skin tone known to mankind unless you're sitting by candlelight with someone who recently underwent double cataract surgery.

But, don't let that detract you...some guys can't see either at 3:00 a.m. Perhaps he's one of them.

Does he just want to get into your pants? Probably. It IS 3:00 a.m. after all...but you'll have to get them OFF first.

How will you explain excusing yourself for 15 minutes while you try to break out of your Kymaro-cocoon in the adjacent room? No one can listen to Barry White for that long without expecting something to happen NOW, and if you put on Ravel's "Bolero" -- he'll figure out how old you really are and run like hell.

So you ask yourself "WWBJD"? What Would Bridget Jones Do? She supposedly had a weight issue - and was played by a woman on the big screen who had neither an actual English accent NOR a weight issue...but that didn't matter. And she had two hot guys fighting over her. Okay, in real life, one did have sex with a skank ho and the other was Hugh Grant (shout out to Craig Ferguson for that)...but, seriously...men ARE pigdogs, right?


So why bother buying one of our shape-altering body slimmers?

There IS no reason. We prey upon people who have just taken Ambien or who have just realized the highpoint of their life this past month was getting a rutabaga to sprout and selling a gallon of milk to the local dairy via their virtual cows on FarmVille.

Will you buy a taupe body stocking at 3:00 in the morning and expect to look like the hot skinny woman in our infomercial who is a size 2 if she's a day.


Do we care if your ass is now where your knees are? And do we care if your bustline can now be counted as one of your chins?


We sold a ton of these and we know you aren't going to return them...

...'cause you "can't take them OFF!"

(Taupe, by the way, was never a Crayola crayon colour...and based on that fact alone...I am extremely suspicious of all things "taupe".)

Please feel free to vote for this blog at: www.knuckleheadhumor.com - and while I'd love to get your vote...please take time to read all the other blogs as well.
Thank you -


  1. When I think of taupe, it rhymes with rope...therefore the color similarity.

  2. It's "prey" not "pray."

  3. Those are such godawful things! lol

  4. Thank you Anonymous - I fixed it. :)

    Eva - Yes...they seem like they'd be one of the most uncomforatable thing to wear. And the women in the commercials are always wearing clothes 2 sizes too small. Just buy some that aren't so tight and you'd be just fine. Sheesh! Personally I'd like to breathe during the day...those "smooshers" can't be good for you.

  5. Never get them off~which is one of the main reasons I won't buy one!! I have enough trouble on those rare days of making it to the loo and trying to unbotton my pants with one hadn--I don't need any more obstacles impending the outcome of my frantic rushings. And forget wearing them to a bar!!! Can you imagine the line if everyone wore one of those bondage outfits??? The lines/wait is bad enough now!! I say be free and let the flab fly LOL

  6. I actually own one of those, purchased after taking Ambien...it came as a complete surprise on Christmas Eve year before last. Which is why I am laughing my *very tightly packed* butt off. Also, if one wears a skirt, and claims to hear children coming up the stairs, at least with one's own husband, there is no need to try and take it off. Just saying.

  7. well, Dang! LAUGHING - lawd! The part where the two animated women are standing there and the thang makes them look as if they lost 100 pounds - huhn...wow!

    Congrats on your Sully award - glad I stopped by here...

  8. Viv - I was wondering about those things...does it hurt like hell having all your body smooshed like that? The closest I can remember to this - is lying on the bed back in the late 70s/early 80s putting jeans on. And I was thin and it still hurt - couldn't wait to take them off! And pantyhose - oh yeah...I love the feeling when they finally come off.

    Nan - Yep - I just say - buy bigger clothes - no one ever sees muffin tops if you don't "point them out" with clingy things.

  9. Kathryn - I swear - what they do in the video I've seen - is have two size of the clothes. First they pack the women in the outfit that is 4 sizes too small and then they put them in the right-sized one. Wow...they look a lot better! No kidding! DUH. And how the heck is that thing supposed to take 13 inches off your waist? It's gotta go SOMEWHERE! Two, maybe three inches - yeah I can see it can compress that - but when you are talking double digit skin? I don't think so, ya know?

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting! :)

  10. What a great blog for a first time visit (thanks to KnucklebabyHead).

    That was so funny all around - the real and the parody.

    True story; Jersey Shore circa 1999 - I bring a lady back to our shore house which was basically a drunken late party. In what surely was a very easy horizontally ensuing situation, she comes to the bar and joins in the dance party at the house. She jumps on the island bar in the house....my buddy grinds her...and sightly pulls up her dress to the surprise of everyone - a BODY SHAPER. I nearly puked as I envisioned the one time I saw my grandma getting dressed as a little kid. It was probably a girdle or something...but I'll never forget it. Bottomline - your parody is dead on.

  11. Waltsense - I, too, would have had images of grandma circulating in my head. There are just some things people don't think all the way through before doing...this, I think, is one of them.

    Thanks for the compliment and for taking the time to read my blog in the first place. :)

  12. You know, the only time I've ever even wanted to try one of those stupid body slimmers was right after having my baby. I tried it on in the store and it did nothing for me. I was like, "WTF? Why don't I look like a size 6 again?" Pieces of crap.

  13. Where can I meet the model in the commercial?

    That's all I got.

  14. Screwdestiny - I think the only people it would help - could probably get the same effect from buying a pair of control top pantyhose. Face it - if you are 50 pounds overweight...the most these things are going to do - is make you look 45 pounds overweight. Plus it looks really uncomfortable - I can't wait to take my bra off when I get home - geez - I couldn't imagine wearing one of these all day.

    Andy - Sorry I can't help you there.

  15. Well, you got my vote again. Of course, it's the least I could do after Sullying you.

  16. Well, thank you Suldog...and I love my Sullied award. :)

  17. You are great and super friggin' funny! Found a link here over at Mike's spot "Too Many Mornings".

    ....so glad I did!

    WTF!! Totally forgot about the post. I've not had one of these contraptions but let me tell ya...the Spanx I've got in my undie drawer are just as awful. The orgasmic scratching after releasing the hounds (aka thighs) is delightful!!

  18. Thank you for the nice comment, Roschelle!

    I wanted to try those Spanx things but I was afraid they'd be horrible as well. I never used control top anythings...but there is no way I'd be able to wiggle my sorry butt into these things unless I wasn't planning to go to the bathroom until they came off.

  19. I was wondering what you meant the other day when you said you fixed "pray". As it turns out, there is another anonymous besides me! It weren't me that told you to fix it, though, I usually tell you to fix other things...

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