A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

26 August 2010

CSI: Cereal Sofa Investigation

Cue some "Who" music here...

"I woke up in a Soho doorway...a policeman knew my name..."

Only let's change the lyrics up a tad, shall we?

"I woke up on the couch this morning...a box of Krispies in my arms..."

Now some explanation, which, again, like another "Who" song..."I can't explain".

Many of you know I am a chronic insomniac. Many of you also know I take Ambien. But the thing that many of you don't know is what Ambien does.

Ambien is in a class of drugs called "hypnotics" - what they do is basically make you forget everything you did while under their influence...in varying degrees. It's like short-term amnesia...and you literally walk around in a haze if you get up in the middle of the night or, like I do, wait for them to "kick in" instead of taking them and heading for the bed. Then you do things you have a vague recollection of -- or no recollection of doing. I've written emails, blogs and typed comments to news stories all over the Internet...all virtually without my knowledge.

Hemingway had his alcohol...I have my Ambien. Unfortunately, Hemingway also had something I didn't have: Much more writing talent. But that doesn't stop me from trying. I'm always hoping for that exceptionally great book idea to pop into my head before I forget it and be crowned the next great American writer of "my generation".

Last night was no exception. Or should I say "this morning". My nights I spend writing, watching television and waiting for the Ambien to kick in.

Now, back to the Ambien. Ambien has been implicated in a lot of strange behaviour people do. People have raided their refrigerators, had sex, cleaned their whole house, weeded their gardens, driven to the store, attempted to drive out of their driveways in their SUVs but been clubbed by their now ex-wives in high profile sport careers (if you can really call golf "a sport"), and I'm sure people have even tried to use it as a defense for murder.

As far as I know I've never driven around, I've never killed someone...and I know for certain I haven't had any sex after taking it. The eating, cleaning, and weeding...I've done.

While I don't mind the "magical elves" effect with the cleaning and the weeding...the eating thing I've never really had a problem with...until yesterday.

I woke up and a box of Rice Krispies was on the sofa next to me. I looked at it all perplexed and wondered, "Damn, that's strange...WHY is there a box of Rice Krispies next to me on the sofa?" In fact...I don't even remember waking up (or going to sleep for that matter)...but there it was...right next to me.

There's only two reasonable explanations for this:

Number 1: I got the box of Rice Krispies out of the cabinet and took them back with me to the sofa...for whatever reason I don't know. It's not like I was covered with tell-tale "Krispies dust" all over the place. No bowl and the package wasn't open (unless I ate a handful of dry cereal, neatly rolled the waxy-inner baggie liner and closed the box back up).

Number 2: My son thought it would be fun to play a practical joke on me and put the Rice Krispies package next to me on the sofa while I was semi-comatose. But I don't remember him coming out nor draping my arms lovingly around the box. Certainly he wouldn't have risked doing this as I could have "regained consciousness" at any point and asked him what the heck he was doing.

Number 3: Elves. C'mon...there's three of them on the friggen package...it coulda happened!

Yes, I know I said there were "two"...but I also stated they were "reasonable". The third one, while not totally impossible...is highly implausible.

I really wouldn't have thought too much more about it until I came home after picking my daughter up from school and my son, with total dead-pan delivery, asked me why I was arm and arm with "Snap, Crackle and Pop" this morning.

While I'm quite good at coming up with far-fetched excuses as to why the check wasn't received by the cable and electric companies...I'm apparently not that creative and drew a total blank.

The only thing I could possibly consider is that I wondered how nourishing the ingredients were or that I somehow found myself plagued by a comment at the paper which might have remotely referenced Rice Krispies...and in my altered state decided I would respond with complete and irrefutable information by getting the box out.

While I haven't checked online...that's the one I'm sticking with; I also haven't checked online for any photos of me on YouTube...and I don't intend to.

So let's cue that Who music again, shall we? The opening line from "Eminence Front" sums all of this up nicely I think...

"The sun shines...
People forget..."


  1. When you consider all the things you could've had your arms wrapped around when you woke up--a gigolo or a 10-foot python, for instance--it's really not too bad. And you were stilled dressed, too, so there's that. That Ambien scares me a bit.

  2. That settles it. You're cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

  3. Mike - Yep, coulda been much worse and we do have like an eight-foot long Red-Tailed Boa. That would have been MUCH worse. Or waking up semi-naked with my hand in an inappropriate place...well, that wouldn't have been a good thing, either...and would have sent my child into therapy for years to burn that image out of his skull.

    Chris - Actually, I'm now debating whether the Cocoa Puffs angle would have been more interesting than the Krispies. I mean...I could have always embellished a bit. ;)

  4. How exactly do you "fact"? Oh I know it was probably an unfortunate typo. I'm pretty sure you meant "In fact" instead of "I fact". Which is why you have no copy editor, I presume. Maybe you were so ambiened-out that you meant a different four letter f-word. You're more fact up than I thought you were. hehehe

  5. Mr. Anonymous - You try typing all Ambien'd out and see if you don't make a bazillion mistakes.

    Would you like me to send you all the mistakes we found in the Harry Potter books? Do you know how many they sold??? Until I sell that many things...I won't worry about the occasional mistake I make. I've made much worse in my life...trust me. :)

  6. Who is this Mr. Anonymous, anyway? Come forward and reveal your true identity, Mr. Anonymous. If it's even "Mr."

  7. I'm the one who likes to give Mariann hell, but she equally doles it out to me...damn near every night on the telephone. Fortunately I am not the only "anonymous" that comments here. But I am the culprit from this thread. Howdy, I'm Guitartexn, from you guessed it, Texas. Nice to meet y'all. (yes, we actually say "y'all") Oh, and though I'm hung like a fieldmouse, I am still a Mr.

  8. LMAO you do realize that it is going to take a long time to live this down

  9. You bet I realize it! I've insulted thousands of fieldmice everywhere.

  10. But how do I know if you're the same anonymous as before and not just some random anonymous guy pretending to be the other?

  11. I vote for the elf explanation!!!
    Hurray for elves..come on ya'll -yes I am from Texas, Mr. Fieldmouse

    I loved the blog Mariann, as I always do--and I do enough strange things while NOT being on Ambien that it's probably a thing that I'm not on it.

  12. The elves seem awfully guilty in my opinion, too. :)

  13. I am the same anonymous and I can prove it. Last night you called me to talk about your poop issues.

    Nanners, what part of Texas are you in? And don't say "the good part", because that would mean you are in Austin...Texas' Paradise.