A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".

03 February 2010

Let Them Eat Cake!

This is my second favourite time of the year.

I'm not talking Valentine's Day candies, cards or flowers...heck, I was married for 20some years and I never really got those things then, it's surely not gonna happen now. I'm talking about an absolutely fabulous tri-coloured sweet...official name: "The King Cake".

While this King Cake history goes back further than the New Orleans version, for the purposes of why they are sold in Montgomery, Alabama...I'm going out on a limb here and assuming it is for the New Orleans Mardi Gras festivities. The King Cake is traditionally a ring of twisted bread topped with icing made of melted sugar which hardens nicely then gets further topped with sprinkly sugar in the traditional Mardi Gras hues of gold, purple and green. They also toss in three coins; gold, purple and green...three strings of Mardi Gras beads...you got it: gold, purple and green, and lastly, a baby. Some believe the baby represents Jesus. I think Jesus wouldn't be gold, purple, or green-coloured...but that's my own personal belief. So, whatever the reason the baby is in there - the luck falls on the person who finds the baby (at one time traditionally baked inside...now they just toss him haphazardly on top with all the other trinkets) in their slice of cake. That "luck" just so happens they get the honour bestowed upon them to foot the bill for procuring next year's cake. Yeah...sounds awfully lucky to me, too.

So, off we trod to get one at my favourite store: Fresh Market. And as luck would have it they have them...and I'd actually be able to eat it the next day when my thyroid scan diet ends! Yes...I'm preparing my make-up feast of sorts one day in advance, and this cake is topping the list.

Well, imagine our outright shock when we open our clamshell cake container -- our lovely gold baby was missing an arm. Where's his little arm? Are we going to ingest the arm? What happens if you ingest a hard plastic fake gold-gilded arm? Will it pass all the way through?

Me? I'm thinking more of intestinal perforation...so I'm hoping the arm wasn't on the baby when he was tossed onto our lovely Cinnamon King Cake.

Still distraught that I have a package with a sub-par baby, my son picked up another the following day - one I've always wanted to try...the Sour Cream King Cake.

I throw open this cake container...wanting to get my baby out as I like to line them all up at the very top of my laptop ...their cheruby little multi-coloured shiny butts precariously balancing, faces looking at me while I type, and hands outstretched in their little "I love you THIS much" sentimentality. This always makes me feel happy this time of year.

But...this was worse...my baby had NO ARMS! My baby also had NO LEGS, NO HEAD and NO TORSO. Someone forgot to toss a baby onto my cake. Not only that - but my three shiny coins were missing as well! Well, I'm not feeling that great NOW...no row of shiny babies...which can also be turned so they moon me from the top of my laptop when I want to be in a real zany mood. But this won't happen now, and I just don't feel very happy at all...was it all because I was short changed 'my change and my baby'? Was that all to it??

No...it dawned on me it might be something a little bit more...sinister!

These trinkets...probably fresh off the lead-lined cargo bins on lead-lined boats in China...are probably themselves laden with high enough levels of lead to leach into the yummy warm icing goodness of my cake...and how would I ever know?

Well, I decided to go over to WebMD's site and check out what the symptoms of lead poisoning are...and frankly...I definitely see a connection:

Pain, numbness or tingling of the extremities: In other words, when I slap your hand or kick your shin for going for the last piece - you might feel some slight numbing or tingling sensation.

Muscular weakness: Okay, your shin I kicked MIGHT also cause you to limp for a few days...I'd keep pressure off it if I were you.

Headache: Did you drink all the alcohol BEFORE or AFTER you ate the cake? If it was before...chances are you probably will get a headache, dumbass.

Abdominal pain: How the heck did you manage to get a tummy ache from just one skinny sliver of King Cake?? Umm...what's
this whole other empty box in the trash?? You ate one King Cake ALL BY YOURSELF and didn't save any for me??? No wonder all you could eat was that scrawny slice...and to think I almost fell for that "diet" thing.

Memory loss: Since they are so incredibly tasty...you might go back for seconds and thirds...and in the morning when your significant other wants a piece and all they find is another empty box sitting there on the counter, your "Uh, I forgot" excuse will
probably render you with more pain, numbness and tingling of the extremities.

Mood disorders: You've never seen someone with more mood disorders than someone who is denied their LAST piece of King Cake. Once the piece is gone...they could never truly savour that "Last Piece" euphoric feeling one gets. Without that feeling, mood disorders will probably find ways to rear their ugly heads...and those ugly heads will probably have even uglier words coming out of those flapping lips.

Fatigue: Yeah...polishing off a whole King Cake and a few brewskies will undoubtedly make you loosen up your pants and stretch out on the sofa with the remote. This one might further substantiate the fact you ingested tainted products by someone telling you to get the lead out. Again, this might also be followed by muscular weakness by someone physically kicking your lazy Super Bowl-watching butt OFF the sofa to help clean up in the kitchen. They didn't invent half-time for nothing, you know!

So, yes, I am convinced these little trinkets should be kept separately in a little plastic bag and positioned off to the side of the cake in the container. I don't know about you - but I seriously don't want to clean up the kitchen after I just ate one of these...plus I bet they don't wash them first...ugh...that's a whole other blog waiting to be written right there. But not now...I'm way too fatigued.

(Yes, I know real lead poisoning isn't funny...but I bet these things actually have lead in them...and honestly, I love the cakes, but I'd rather have the trinkets off to the side.)


  1. I was always leery of those cakes. Probably had something to do with the time I almost chipped a tooth and simultaneousely choked on one of those damn babies.

    That picture does look pretty tasty though!

  2. I just don't want some nasty dirty beads and stuff on my cake. Last year I was able to intercept them as they were going to throw them in. They had this massive bag they came in and they would just reach in and adorn the cake with them. Candice...you should see how long it takes me to wash ONE friggen strawberry...so imagine how much I freak after seeing this!

    Yes, THIS is why alcohol was invented - at least for people like me. ;)

    And oooh - the cakes are tasty - not sure the other companies - but damn, they are tasty at Fresh Market. No clue who they get theirs from.

  3. I'd never even heard of those cakes before, but they sound delicious. I'm with you though, I wouldn't want stuff that I was unsure of the cleanliness of on my cake.

    Now I really want to try one of these.

  4. Oh, Screwdestiny - they are wonderful. I'm not one for sickeningly sweet things but the cinnamon ones are great. I didn't like the sour cream one at all.

    I'm FROM Jersey - so I had never even heard of these things either until a few years ago. I guess living in Alabama has one perk. ;)

  5. You do a post about cake, you damn well better be SERVING cake.


  6. Chris - Oh I have cake. Yeah...cake is good. But I'm going to eat the cinnamon one - you guys can have the sour cream one. That wasn't near as tasty. :)

  7. I've always wanted to try one of these King Cakes because I like all things Cajun, especially the music. And I wouldn't worry about the lead. The way I figure it, the white flour, sugar and food dye will probably kill me long before the lead does! ;)

  8. Ahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    Dadgum that's funny stuff!!!!

  9. very funny blog Mariann~do you still have your amputee baby?

    I might buy a cake and take it over to my Mom's house on Sunday--this way I can have ONE piece and not be tempted to eat the whole damn thing (they are so colorful they just have to be tasty)

  10. Mike - Yeah, no kidding...I'm sure where we get most of our dyes to add into our "American made products" is from China anyway.

    Teena - Thank you. :)

    Nanners - Thank you, too. Yes, I still have my one-armed baby. The poor thing hasn't been washed, tho. I made the mistake of one time running them thru the dishwasher. Most of their shiney colours came off and I was left with these really ugly trinkets. So, handwashing the icing it is for me. No, I'm not going to lick it off. ;)

    By the way - if you are curious, the Chinese comment (what are the odds I pissed off some guy in China who reads my blog?) says this (yes, I Babelfished it):

    The semblance with the fact itself symbol, the common people actually easily is often not deceived by the incrustation.

    I'm wondering if the yummy sweet icing is known as "incrustration" over in China? I sure hope no one...ewww...nope - even that's too icky for me to think. ;)

  11. Incrustration is exactly what you think it is: dried fromunda cheese. Happy King Cake to all!

  12. I also did not get a baby or coins in my King cake from Fresh Market. My friends and I are wondering what the significance to that is. We are worried about having bad luck for a year because there was no baby or coins. Should we be worried about this?

  13. I also did not get a baby or coins in my King cake from Fresh Market. My friends and I are wondering what the significance to that is. We are worried about having bad luck for a year because there was no baby or coins. Should we be worried about this? Not only did we not get a baby in our King cake, the bachelor picked Vienna!!!

  14. Well, anonymous...I don't know Vienna...nor have I ever been to Vienna - I've had Vienna sausage, tho...and it's kinda okay. But, yes, not having a baby or coins is bad luck - plus it probably means someone opened your cake and took them...and touched all over it with their grubbing little fingers. :)

    I bought a King Cake today - and someone smooshed the baby into the cake butt-side up. Rather funny so I bought it...altho I hope that's the only untoward thing they did with my cake.