A Bit About Me

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Along with my daily duties as founder and head writer of HumorMeOnline.com, in 2003, I took the Grand Prize in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night" competition). I've also been a contributor to "The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson" and the web's "The Late Show with David Letterman". I also occupy my time writing three blogs, "Blogged Down at the Moment", "Brit Word of the Day" and "Production Numbers"...and my off-time is spent contemplating in an "on again/off again" fashion...my feable attempts at writing any one of a dozen books. I would love to write professionally one day...and by that I mean "actually get a paycheck".
Showing posts with label London. Show all posts
Showing posts with label London. Show all posts

10 December 2016

A Messy House Could Save Your Life




A new German study conducted by the Schlaswursen Clinic in Wiesbaden, Germany, has found out that housework can actually be hazardous to your health.

"We've always been told that a clean and tidy house is the ideal standard." Dr. Karl Gottschald stated before a symposium of colleagues in Lucerne, Switzerland this past Friday. "We have found a marked correlation between hospital visits and housekeeping.", Gottschald continued.

The study states something which isn't entirely new, but the mechanism behind the facts has exposed something which has not come to light until just recently, which is:  Most falls which occur in the house are done when trying to clean, typically in the bathtub and lifting/moving furniture when trying to vacuum beneath them.

In the past, it was assumed that these falls in the bath were done when bathing or showering, but that is not the case; they occur when trying to clean the tub and the shower.  "That's when most serious slips happen; it's very rare to find a patient seeking help while in the nude.  They are typically fully clothed when the paramedics arrive at the scene or when they enter hospital on their own for treatment." Dr. Janus Rothchilds, from Aerohospital Sud in Geneva, Switzerland said.  "Lifting injuries, as well as sometimes fatal cranial ones, tend to occur when people reach to get something down from a high place to dust around it.  They strain the wrong way or fall from ladders all the time.  If they just let the dust accumulate, these accidents would be totally avoided." Rothschild stated.

The study went on to find that most hazards in the house were slipping from cleaning tubs/shower enclosures and mopping floors, and falls from standing on ladders to clean on top of shelving.

"These things simply do not have to be done.  People can learn to live in houses with dust and germs. In fact other studies have proven a germ-free environment makes us prone to more infection. This is the science behind why antibacterial soap for the home has been discontinued from the market." Gottschald said.

"In fact, we're nearly done with our newest study which will conclusively prove that a house with more clutter causes less injuries than one which is free of debris." Dr. Lars Schmidt from Schlaswursen Clinic announced.  "People tend to be a bit more careful when they walk when they know they can hit their foot on something or trip and fall; those in cleaner houses walk faster and with less eye contact with the floor, which then leads to more broken toes.  Also, the plain reality is that a highly waxed kitchen or bathroom floor actually causes more hip injuries from slips and falls than all ice-related ones combined."

Schmidt ended the lecture by saying, "While we are not telling people they never have to clean again, we are telling them a little dirt never hurt anyone, in fact it might save just your life."



A similar study in 2005, conducted at Kingston University in London, extolled the virtues of the unmade bed. 








28 October 2013

Halloween's True Origin




The real reason we "dress up" for Halloween has nothing to do with druids or spirits or even commercialism. The real reason was started by Reginald Wickingham from Hounslow, London in England. 

Mr. Wickingham you see, was a purveyor of the spirital sort...which meant that he sold alcohol. He routinely consumed more than he sold, or so the legend of the town says. One day, upon hearing his door being pounded on...he rose up from the floor and staggered over to the door in nothing more than the first thing he could grab to put on. It was Mrs. Wickingham's dressing gown. The Vicar had come 'round to tell him that his wife had been taken ill and was at the local parish church being tended to by some members of the congregation...but that she was inconsolable and insisted the Vicar get her husband at once. Naturally, a couple others accompanied him in case Mr. Wickingham was overcome by grief upon hearing of his wife's grave condition. 

Mr. Wickingham, not wanting to seem drunk at noon on a Sunday...and realizing in his half-haze that he was now standing at the doorway in his wife's frilly thing...offered his "guests" some fruit and a couple of chocolates which were sitting on the table next to the door. He then stated his elaborate get-up was a "fun new fad" that was all the rage in the colonies...a yearly event where people got dressed up and handed fruits and candied bits of orange rind and the occasional chocolate to people who went from door to door...in a gleeful state brought upon by the occasional imbibing of a glass of mulled wine or a flagon of beer. 

Neither the Vicar nor the two people accompanying him wanted to look foolish...Mr. Wickingham was also a great wealthy man of some stature who travelled extensively around the globe...so they all nodded their heads in approval stating that they, too, had heard of the new fad...but were unaware that it was held on that certain day...thinking that it was going to be held the next day, which just so happened to be the 31st of October. 

They all had a laugh until it dawned on them that poor Mrs. Wickingham was lying prone on a pew in the church and needed to be attended to immediately. Mr. Wickingham, not wanting to be made a mockery of...donned an overcoat and top hat and threw it on top of the dressing gown...making it seem even more plausible to the Vicar and the members of the congregation upon their arrival back. 

As for Mrs. Wickingham, she had passed away...but it was all for the best as she really was disliked by everyone. And after the funeral, the next evening, they all got dressed up and celebrated...therefore cementing the ritualistic dress-up in the town, which, of course, over the years, ended up spreading far and wide. The fact that this day happened to occur on "All Hallow's Eve" was just a fortunate coincidence...and easy for everyone to remember it by. Well, everyone except poor Mrs. Wickingham, that is.







(This was another in my silly series of Halloween-themed "facts"...in other words, this was made up by me.)




04 August 2012

Challenging the Gold

When I was younger, one of my dreams was to write a book...the other was to win a gold medal at the Olympics. So far, I'm pretty much 0 for 0...which isn't bad considering some people out there who won a gold medal in the Olympics didn't really win gold ones...and some...they probably just keep in the box on their mantle behind that commemorative plate of Charles and Diana. (Hey...it's being held in London...I thought I'd "Brit" it up a bit.)




Each Olympics they basically give someone the incredible honour of designing that year's Olympic medal...and when you think of gold medals, you usually (if you are old like me) have the image of Mark Spitz' gold-laden chest indelibly stamped into your brain.





Some Olympic medals...eh...not all that photogenic.




This got me thinking (when I was talking to a friend) that I remember one of the medals a few years back which basically was this chunk of crystal. Yeah, crystal might be nice in chandeliers and fancy wine glasses...but, me personally, would have been highly let down if I won a gold medal predominantly made of high end glass. "Cheers!" Sigh...it's not only made of glass...but it's ugly. I spent a dozen years of my life training to win something I might break if I drop it?? Great. Thanks Olympic medal picker people...thanks for shattering my dream and making it look like something the luge gouged out.





After talking about that...and finding out how difficult it is to find a pictorial history of Olympic medals while the Olympics are in progress...I managed to find all the medals given out since the onset of the Modern Games...dating back to 1896. Talking about a let down - they gave the winner a silver coin and a laurel branch. The runners-up...only got the branch.




While branches wither and die...unfortunately, these medals live on...




Designed by Lalique -- Albertville's 1992 Winter Olympics medal:





I didn't know that "crop circles" was a Winter Olympic event...I'd have guessed it was a Summer one -- Grenoble 1968:





Sapporo, if I remember correctly, was where those cute little snow monkeys liked sitting in the hot springs. Apparently, they also designed their wacky Winter Olympics medals as well:






You thought monkeys designing medals was a bad idea, right? No, you are wrong...having your two-year-old kid design one on their Magna-Doodle is worse. I present to you, Lillehammer's 1994 Ski Jumping medal...if you look at the jumper as if they are going in the other direction...it looks like a Zombie on skis. While I'm thinking that would have been a really awesome medal design...they had others...for each of the Winter events. This one is, by far, the best:





Hey, cool...I always did wonder what they did with all those old Korean coins...kind of odd they gave them out at the 2006 Turin games in Italy, tho:





You can't really tell - but these Vancouver 2010 medals were all misshapen and did not lie flat...they were also made with recycled electronic waste materials for their base. I guess that's one way to get rid of your country's toxic garbage:






Nothing screams Olympic games like "naked guy on a medal", as after all, the ancient games were played in the nude. London's 1908 and Stockholm's 1912 games both featured identical full metal porn:





Not to be outdone in the porn category, the medal in the 1924 Paris Summer games...well, I'm sorry -- I'm just hoping that they are only shaking hands:





There was a long stretch of time where the medals showed more tasteful depictions of winning...but then the 1972 Munich games came and went with much heartbreak. While they will also be remembered by stellar performances by American swimmer, Mark Spitz, and Soviet gymnast, Olga Korbut, they will, unfortunately, always be marred by human tragedy and not "naked aliens on a medal" only tragedy, like they rightfully should have been:



Thanks to "BBC News - London 2012: Olympic Medals Timeline" for all the Olympic medal-abilia.  Go and check out the link -- it's absolutely fascinating and fun!



 

(I have been wondering if the 2012 London games' medals are the largest in diameter [85 mm], as they certainly take up a lot of chest space...but they are not -- the 2009 Turin games takes the top spot with 107 mm medals.  Also, not to take any glory away from Michael Phelps...but in my mind, Mark Spitz will always be remembered first.)