I am 47.
Some of you may know this - some of you may not. Some of you may also know I am going through what I call a "pre-divorce" situation. It's been for a couple years now. Why I haven't gotten divorced is personal...most of it has to do with the fact I have no family (my mother and father died in 1999) who can help me out monetarily, I haven't been able to get a job in years because I have no college degree and I can't afford to get a college degree in order to get a job which pays more than barely minimum wage...plus once I get divorced, my health insurance, which is provided by my eventually-to-be-ex-husband's Air Force retirement, will stop cold turkey altho I've been married to him for over 20 years. Yes...I am, in their eyes, and the eyes of many others a non-entity. And I count myself fortunate. Many people don't have health care at all - many people can't afford a lot of the stuff I still treat myself to...many people deserve better than what they have to live with.
But, I still think...I too, deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with me wanting this.
I've been reading in the paper (online) about the speed-dating thing - X amount of seconds you spend with each person as you flit from table to table trying to fill out a "score" card (yes, that's an obvious double entendre there and meant to be) based on mere moments with a person. It's been around for years, I don't know why Montgomery is making such a big ta-do about it - but perhaps it's new to this region. Whatever the reason...the idea behind it is the same: "People who want a relationship seeking out people in a venue which doesn't seem sordid." It IS a nice way to meet people - it's not while you are drunk at a bar at closing time...it's not in the supermarket where you will, trust me guys...run into THE most attractive person in the world...but only when you don't have a face on and are dressed like a Dickensian orphan. I NEVER run into anyone at ALL when I have a face on. I've not tried church...you see...I'm NOT divorced. I don't think they want me dating...they probably really would have a problem with me remarrying without that whole "divorce technicality" cleared up.
And WHO would want to date me anyway?
First off, I'm married - I have this thing about dating...as, well...I'm still married. I'm married on paper...but definitely NOT in my heart...but that is where it counts...legally. Again...I am a non-entity.
And I am not getting any younger. My youth is way behind me. I am one of those women who can't but look at her life and say "Ya know - I devoted my YOUTH to this person...and for what? It's OVER." Both my marriage AND my youth. I didn't bank on that. And I didn't bank on getting divorced so I didn't funnel away money in some secret bank account...I am sooooooooooo stupid.
But not really. I'm actually very intelligent when it comes to IQ...if I told you what mine was you'd probably not believe me. I read once...that those with "my IQ" usually do one of two things..."excel" and "fail miserably". Well...altho I possibly made some stupid decisions...staying home with my children wasn't one of them, and I feel I am constantly being penalized for that decision. Especially in this juncture in my life.
So, I'd still like the opportunity to "excel".
(And because this is getting quite long...and I'm on a rant here...I'm going to "pull a Scheherezade" on you...and continue this story...tomorrow.)
Some of you may know this - some of you may not. Some of you may also know I am going through what I call a "pre-divorce" situation. It's been for a couple years now. Why I haven't gotten divorced is personal...most of it has to do with the fact I have no family (my mother and father died in 1999) who can help me out monetarily, I haven't been able to get a job in years because I have no college degree and I can't afford to get a college degree in order to get a job which pays more than barely minimum wage...plus once I get divorced, my health insurance, which is provided by my eventually-to-be-ex-husband's Air Force retirement, will stop cold turkey altho I've been married to him for over 20 years. Yes...I am, in their eyes, and the eyes of many others a non-entity. And I count myself fortunate. Many people don't have health care at all - many people can't afford a lot of the stuff I still treat myself to...many people deserve better than what they have to live with.
But, I still think...I too, deserve to be happy. There is nothing wrong with me wanting this.
I've been reading in the paper (online) about the speed-dating thing - X amount of seconds you spend with each person as you flit from table to table trying to fill out a "score" card (yes, that's an obvious double entendre there and meant to be) based on mere moments with a person. It's been around for years, I don't know why Montgomery is making such a big ta-do about it - but perhaps it's new to this region. Whatever the reason...the idea behind it is the same: "People who want a relationship seeking out people in a venue which doesn't seem sordid." It IS a nice way to meet people - it's not while you are drunk at a bar at closing time...it's not in the supermarket where you will, trust me guys...run into THE most attractive person in the world...but only when you don't have a face on and are dressed like a Dickensian orphan. I NEVER run into anyone at ALL when I have a face on. I've not tried church...you see...I'm NOT divorced. I don't think they want me dating...they probably really would have a problem with me remarrying without that whole "divorce technicality" cleared up.
And WHO would want to date me anyway?
First off, I'm married - I have this thing about dating...as, well...I'm still married. I'm married on paper...but definitely NOT in my heart...but that is where it counts...legally. Again...I am a non-entity.
And I am not getting any younger. My youth is way behind me. I am one of those women who can't but look at her life and say "Ya know - I devoted my YOUTH to this person...and for what? It's OVER." Both my marriage AND my youth. I didn't bank on that. And I didn't bank on getting divorced so I didn't funnel away money in some secret bank account...I am sooooooooooo stupid.
But not really. I'm actually very intelligent when it comes to IQ...if I told you what mine was you'd probably not believe me. I read once...that those with "my IQ" usually do one of two things..."excel" and "fail miserably". Well...altho I possibly made some stupid decisions...staying home with my children wasn't one of them, and I feel I am constantly being penalized for that decision. Especially in this juncture in my life.
So, I'd still like the opportunity to "excel".
(And because this is getting quite long...and I'm on a rant here...I'm going to "pull a Scheherezade" on you...and continue this story...tomorrow.)
Do you know what the word MENSA means in Spanish?
ReplyDeleteHa! Cute - I cheated and Babelfished it...I took French in high school and not Spanish...not that I would have known what it meant, if it meant anything, in French either...but...I would have guessed something totally different.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest church as a worthwhile activity. The best thing I ever did was get involved with a church after my wife and I separated 10 years ago. There are some churches who are accepting of everybody; after all, we all have our foibles.
ReplyDelete