Day 27: But how did you find out?

"But, how did you find out?"

 

"The Internet, duh.  It's where I find everything out."

 

It's the "go to" place where everybody finds out anything they want to know about anyone (even themselves).  It doesn't matter if it's true or not...and it's so easy anyone can do it.

 

And the things you can easily find out about someone, with a minimum of digging...is astonishing.  In fact, I'm absolutely sure that if Dr. Seuss were still alive, he'd have come up with a book called "Oh the Thinks You Can Think To Click On!"

For example -- You wouldn't believe who used to play my interactive comedy website -- HumorMeOnline -- many years ago.  I mean EVERYONE would know their name (maybe three people wouldn't - but I doubt so) if I mentioned it.  I promised never to tell...and I never have.  They were floored when I asked them if they were who they were...and they were!  And, it wasn't a joke - I mean, they were -- and I found out...just by a few random, carefully constructed clicks. And they'd play my silly online comedy website all the time.  What fun!  

 

Dammit, I should have asked for a job!  Seriously.  I'm sure they've long since changed their email address...and it's been years since I've updated anything at my site...so even if they wanted to, they couldn't play it.  Oh well.  And it's not like I can call them up at their work.  "Uh...okay...my name is Mariann and they used to play at my website...no, seriously, they used to play my contests all the time...just go ask them.  Really, I'm not a whackjob...go ask.  I'm serious. Hello?  Hello?"

 

Think that would work?  I doubt it.  So here goes...let's just hope they are clicking random things on the Internet and find this...

Hey, famous person who used to play my silly online interactive comedy website...please hire me for something, okay?  I know you have the money.  You can do it.  It'll be our little secret.  If you don't, I'll tell, dammit!  I'll tell everyone!  I swear I'll let the cat outta the bag.

 

Maybe I should leave off that last part.  Whaddya think?

 

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Yes, this was a senseless sort of blog, but I thought I would give everyone a break from reading what's really inside my little, tiny noggin. You don't want to know what's deep inside of it...plus it's all full of cobwebs and faulty neurons and such.  In fact, that's where I first got the idea for the word "Interwebs" from.  Yes, I coined the term "Interwebs": Internet + Cobwebs = Interwebs.  

Okay, I might have made that last part up - but the other stuff...it's all true.  I swear. 

 

By the way, here's a nice random photo of a kitty on a keyboard for you...for absolutely no reason whatsoever.  None whatsoever.  None...no seriously, I swear.  It's not like it's some obscure weird hint.  It's not.  It's not at all.  I'm just being silly...I swear.  You can click all you want...you won't find anything out.  Well, you might, but you'd really, really have to know what to click on. Plus, it would take ages.

 

 

 

And, after you've given up on clicking (or more likely, you never started)...click on this:  We Work for Cheese

 

It's only one more day until we all take a swig from those big bottles of vodka Nicky has promised to send us all for living through this month-long write-along.  Oh...she didn't say she'd send YOU one?  I could have sworn she said she'd send me one.  Don't worry, Nicky...it'll be our little secret.  ;)

 

Oh...I'm just kidding about that vodka thing.  I swear!

I swear.

Seriously. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Have A Little List...

David Letterman has them, Guinness has had a yearly compilation of them since 1955, Joseph McCarthy ruined a lot of people with his, I have a fascinating book from the 70's aptly titled "The Book of Lists" which is chock-full of them...in fact, the list of people who have at least one of them...grows exponentially each day. I even have a couple contests on my comedy website devoted entirely to them. And if you haven't figured out by now what I'm talking about, I'll tell you...

Lists.

What IS this fascination we hold with "the list" and more importantly, who compiles these lists that we literally stop what we are doing and go read them?

Now, I'm not talking about statistics...those are a whole other ball game...which, by the way, lists a lot of statistics, I'm not even talking about the ones Fortune and People and that Mr. Blackwell guy come up with...I'm talking about random dissociative generic lists.

Even as I sat and wrote this in my doctor's office the other day, I kid you not - there was a laminated print-out of "The Top Ten Most Dangerous Dose Designations" list on the wall. So, as you can plainly see...this obsessive compulsive passion we have with "the list"...is not in my imagination. Many things may be - but this isn't one of them.

Each and every time one of these "lists of note" come out - I think to myself..."Self...who made this list up...and how did they possibly get everyone else out there to take notice OF their piddly little dumbas...um...dumb as a stump list? And can I possibly garner some notoriety doing the same?" Just what DOES it take to compile a list that the likes of AOL news, Katie Couric's replacement, and Ada Calhoun, who, by the way has a blog on AOL's main page (I don't - because apparently I am not on the A-list) talking about "What's the #1 Funeral Song?" just today. What a coinky-dink, huh? (I tell ya - I couldn't write this stuff any better if I tried.)

The way I see it, this is how most of them are generated: Two underage guys get into their parents' liquour cabinet and down a few 'Gin and Vodka and Old Grand-Dad and Rum Tonics', have a website and an account on Digg.com and come up with some unsubstantiated list about whatnot and before they know it, it gets on someone's YouTube and, as anyone knows all too well nowadays...if you can upload anything to YouTube, especially a cute kitten, you WILL get noticed. Oh, don't believe me, huh? Go to YouTube.com and type in "cute kitten". I'll wait.

Tap tap tap tap...

See?

Ah...the measure of one's true worth? Internet hits.

But, just because you and your barely legal friend sucked down a bunch of your dad's alcohol doesn't make you an authoritative figure. Or at least it shouldn't. And you should NOT gain national attention from it. You shouldn't get Google, perky morning show co-hosts or, heaven forbid, David Letterman himself, using your list for fodder. Because...ummm...they should be using MY list for fodder instead.

No, seriously. I have a website - I know young people...and trust me, I can legally drink and come up with a list, too! Where is my slice of the 15 minute pie?

So, over the next few blogs - I'm going to call, email and IM anyone I can think of...young and old, male and female, funny and stoic, drunk and sober...and compile a few lists of my own. Hey, I even know a guy who frequents Digg.com...and I'm not afraid to use him (you know - for this purpose only).

I'll even go as far as to solicit the Internet public...aka all three of you who read my blog...to help me with this endeavour. Got a list you'd like to see but never have? Let me know...I'll take great pains formulating one that is both well-thought out and has some logical basis in fact.

Yep, I'll admit - I'm not proud...but I AM determined...to get my list noticed.

No Brainer?

I was watching the NBC national news Tuesday night and they had this story about a guy who buys our trash from recycling places and then turns right around and sells it back to China for a WHOLE lot more than he paid for it. Our trash, it turns out, is their treasure. Apparently China hasn't had enough manufacturing going on to generate enough garbage to make it worthwhile for them to go into the "recycling biz" themselves - so they rely on us...literally the U.S. - to hand them ours. Why? Well, it costs a lot less to turn our aluminum, paper and plastic back into products such as cans, boxes and plastic bags than it does to mine the materials, such as fossil fuels, and start from scratch. Then the real irony begins...ready? Wait for it...

China turns around and sells us the by-product of our waste right back to us!

And this enterprising fellow is capitalizing on this...in fact he had a banner year selling our trash to them...making more money than you can shake a recycled plastic stick at. All I could do while watching this news tidbit is think to myself, "WHY didn't I think of this first?" Sure, he needs to go out to recycling places and buy the stuff, load it all up and ship it to them (super cheaply as the cargo containers that just unloaded our "reformulated goods" need to return to China anyway)...but still, it's pretty darned ingenious if you ask me.

Hearing this got the gears in my head turning faster than my little fingers flipping through the pages of my handy-dandy blog notebook looking for the first unwritten page so I could write this all down on before I forgot all about it. What other people could I possibly think of who have gotten rich on things we ordinarily take for granted...and then, more importantly, what HASN'T anyone thought of I could parlay into fast cash without much input involved?

Like the "Unclaimed Baggage" people in Scottsboro, Alabama. Who would have thought airlines and airports would sell all the stuff people forgot, lost or otherwise never saw again...to you - if you were the first to ask. And, undoubtedly, some guy in Alabama thought of asking. I can envision it going something like this: "Hey, y'all wanna jus' git ridda all that there junk takin' up space in Hangar #4? (Spit tobacco juice here.) I could maybe see my way fit to buyin' it all from y'all fer a coupla bucks." (And all the airline "tie-men" laughed at the supposed 'country bumpkin hick from Alabammy' as he loaded it all on his truck with his two kids.) Then he sold it for a few bucks more at his store until Oprah told everyone about it on her show and then the prices skyrocketed...so now it's not really worth the trek to Scottsboro anymore...so I don't go anymore. But that doesn't stop countless others from continuing to make this guy rich beyond his wildest dreams...and just like the movie says, "If you build it they will come"...he did and they did...and they still do. And what became of those "tie-men" from the airlines? Oh, I suppose they're still kicking themselves because they didn't think of it first.

Now, how easy was that?

My reply to the above query, "almost as easy as eBay"...which, of course, was a BRILLIANT idea. And I was even around when it first started...and well into my adulthood. WHY didn't I think of this??

But what's even easier than that?

Sitting on your butt back when the "Internet" was younger...thinking of domain names - you know, those "www.BlahBlahBlah.com" things? Back in the day, every single one was NOT taken - and people who were willing to sit on their butts all day and register all the OBVIOUS ones turned around and sold them at a profit later on. And what a profit! Do you have any idea what Drugs.com sold for? Well, a LOT. But not as much as Business.com. That one went for a whopping $8 million. Drugs.com sold for a "paltry" $800,000+ (see the list here) - almost not worth the time to send that domain registering place that $20 a year check to register it...NOT! Certainly there is ONE name out there that isn't taken yet which I can gobble up and then promptly sell to some "daddy-bought me as a present for my 20th birthday" lunatic fringe company for the equivalent of what Bill Gates pulls in for one minute...which I could then subsequently retire off of and live out the rest of what's left of my pathetic little life. But EVERY single time I look for anything...ANYTHING...it's always taken. Hmmmm...in fact, THE only one that ISN'T taken is www.HumorMeOnline.com. Well, actually - it IS taken, but it's taken by ME.

So if someone out there has a bunch of money they'd like to be separated from...I've got some primo Internet property for ya...and I'd be willing to sell it "cheap". Hey, China! I've got a website you might be interested in...even comes complete with some recycled comedy ideas and everything. ;)

Write Away...

Sorry I haven't been doing a "blogumn" (oh read the rest of my 'blogumns' here, you'll find it) here lately - but with my hysterectomy recovery I just have been doing less around the house, here and with my comedy site - but I feel a lot better today than I have in the last few days, even without my hormone patch on. So, I'm going to try to sit here and focus (oh ha ha - like that will happen with my brainfog going on) and get a contest updated and get a blog written.

Wish me luck! :)