Top Ten Things That Have Been Bugging Me

I've not written a blog in a while. I've not even tried.

It's my fault - I start doing other things like playing this online fake Scrabble game, or I sit around the house watching television, or I sit around wasting time on Facebook, or I sit around the house making up excuses...and then I get mad for not being scooped up by a prominent publishing house or movie studio, and I whine silently to a few of my friends (not so silently).

But, hey, it's the new year...time to put my aging butt in gear, right?

So, I sat and I thought and thought...or more like laid there and thought and thought...and I am drawing blanks left and right. I've come to the conclusion that nearly everything you can bring up, I've done some form of it in a blog already. Maybe I used up all my ideas...so I came up with this one instead...so be gentle as I know it's not going to be one of my best efforts.


A few things that have been rattling around in my brain...yes, they are in no order. So, let's just think of them as my "Top Ten Things That Have Bugged Me"...they aren't meant to be witty or funny...so if you're anticipating that, you'll be let down.

10. The 2011 Christmas "Doctor Who" show. C'mon Stephen Moffat...I waited like six months to see that??? I know you are capable of much better. I'd venture to say I'm capable of much better. Give me a shot, will ya? I'm older than you - respect your elders...hire me. I'll even do it for free...give me a friggen shot, okay? Please?

9. "Saturday Night Live", David Letterman, Craig Ferguson, hell, even Jay Leno...see #10 (only vary it to fit you)...a shot? Please? For free first - THEN you can hire me or fire me. Just one tiny little shot...that's all I'm asking. Oprah? Donald Trump? Rosie?? Someone?

8. To the "Dasani" water people (aka the "Coke" people) and the "Chick-Fil-A" people on Eastern Blvd in Montgomery, Alabama: You know what you did...it's been what, three years?? At least pay up for the Emergency Room visit already. (Yeah...I should write a blog about this - it's long so I can't put it here.)

7. You "Jersey" shows on television: I'm FROM Jersey...I never knew anyone who was like that in Jersey...stop making me seem like an idiot so no one hires me. Or hire me yourself...I promise I can be the idiot you are looking for in a writer.

6. Just to let everyone know...saggy boobs are "in" this year.

5. I didn't talk to my mother enough and I talked to her every single day. I should have written things down...the memories of what she told me of her youth in Belgium are getting muddy and I can't remember her voice so much. For everyone with a loved one...pay attention. Everyone tells you to pay attention and you don't realize they are right until after it's too late. My mother knew I loved her so I don't have to worry about that...but I miss the most stupid things...like the way she pronounced "Post Office"...and no one will ever say it like her again in my life. Ever.

4. All the people on those "person specific" news shows...like on CNN: STOP SHOUTING! If I can't hear you, I'll turn up the volume. Sheesh!

3. One day all you mean people will get your comeuppance. Personally, I'd like that day to be tomorrow.

2. Human beings should live longer...and have a nice exoskeleton so we're more impervious to the elements, like car crashes, bullets and crazy people in Walmart.

1. I know people believe in reading the Bible and things...like prayers. I have no issue with that whatsoever. However, I do have an issue with two things about that: a) Don't just memorize a dinner prayer if you're going to pray twice a year (you C&E people can relate)...make it come from the heart...make one up on the spot; somehow I don't think God will get mad if you improvise. b) That child's prayer which goes: "Now I lay me down to sleep...I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake...I pray the Lord my soul to take." That single-handedly creeped me out my entire life. Seriously...just think of an innocent child who has no concept of death yet...reading this. Now think of that same child a few years later, with a vague concept of death. This isn't so much a prayer anymore as it is a warning -- a good haunting one when you're just about to drift off to sleep: An 'Ooops...guess we forgot to mention it, Jimmy...God sends his boogeyman to take your soul at night while you're sleeping sometimes." I'm sorry...but this needs to be totally rethought out. It's not at all comforting and it's very, very, very scary. In fact, it's almost as scary as that first "Doctor Who" Weeping Angels episode Stephen Moffat wrote.

And with that...I've come full circle. "Happy 2012" everyone! :)

No Brainer?

I was watching the NBC national news Tuesday night and they had this story about a guy who buys our trash from recycling places and then turns right around and sells it back to China for a WHOLE lot more than he paid for it. Our trash, it turns out, is their treasure. Apparently China hasn't had enough manufacturing going on to generate enough garbage to make it worthwhile for them to go into the "recycling biz" themselves - so they rely on us...literally the U.S. - to hand them ours. Why? Well, it costs a lot less to turn our aluminum, paper and plastic back into products such as cans, boxes and plastic bags than it does to mine the materials, such as fossil fuels, and start from scratch. Then the real irony begins...ready? Wait for it...

China turns around and sells us the by-product of our waste right back to us!

And this enterprising fellow is capitalizing on this...in fact he had a banner year selling our trash to them...making more money than you can shake a recycled plastic stick at. All I could do while watching this news tidbit is think to myself, "WHY didn't I think of this first?" Sure, he needs to go out to recycling places and buy the stuff, load it all up and ship it to them (super cheaply as the cargo containers that just unloaded our "reformulated goods" need to return to China anyway)...but still, it's pretty darned ingenious if you ask me.

Hearing this got the gears in my head turning faster than my little fingers flipping through the pages of my handy-dandy blog notebook looking for the first unwritten page so I could write this all down on before I forgot all about it. What other people could I possibly think of who have gotten rich on things we ordinarily take for granted...and then, more importantly, what HASN'T anyone thought of I could parlay into fast cash without much input involved?

Like the "Unclaimed Baggage" people in Scottsboro, Alabama. Who would have thought airlines and airports would sell all the stuff people forgot, lost or otherwise never saw again...to you - if you were the first to ask. And, undoubtedly, some guy in Alabama thought of asking. I can envision it going something like this: "Hey, y'all wanna jus' git ridda all that there junk takin' up space in Hangar #4? (Spit tobacco juice here.) I could maybe see my way fit to buyin' it all from y'all fer a coupla bucks." (And all the airline "tie-men" laughed at the supposed 'country bumpkin hick from Alabammy' as he loaded it all on his truck with his two kids.) Then he sold it for a few bucks more at his store until Oprah told everyone about it on her show and then the prices skyrocketed...so now it's not really worth the trek to Scottsboro anymore...so I don't go anymore. But that doesn't stop countless others from continuing to make this guy rich beyond his wildest dreams...and just like the movie says, "If you build it they will come"...he did and they did...and they still do. And what became of those "tie-men" from the airlines? Oh, I suppose they're still kicking themselves because they didn't think of it first.

Now, how easy was that?

My reply to the above query, "almost as easy as eBay"...which, of course, was a BRILLIANT idea. And I was even around when it first started...and well into my adulthood. WHY didn't I think of this??

But what's even easier than that?

Sitting on your butt back when the "Internet" was younger...thinking of domain names - you know, those "www.BlahBlahBlah.com" things? Back in the day, every single one was NOT taken - and people who were willing to sit on their butts all day and register all the OBVIOUS ones turned around and sold them at a profit later on. And what a profit! Do you have any idea what Drugs.com sold for? Well, a LOT. But not as much as Business.com. That one went for a whopping $8 million. Drugs.com sold for a "paltry" $800,000+ (see the list here) - almost not worth the time to send that domain registering place that $20 a year check to register it...NOT! Certainly there is ONE name out there that isn't taken yet which I can gobble up and then promptly sell to some "daddy-bought me as a present for my 20th birthday" lunatic fringe company for the equivalent of what Bill Gates pulls in for one minute...which I could then subsequently retire off of and live out the rest of what's left of my pathetic little life. But EVERY single time I look for anything...ANYTHING...it's always taken. Hmmmm...in fact, THE only one that ISN'T taken is www.HumorMeOnline.com. Well, actually - it IS taken, but it's taken by ME.

So if someone out there has a bunch of money they'd like to be separated from...I've got some primo Internet property for ya...and I'd be willing to sell it "cheap". Hey, China! I've got a website you might be interested in...even comes complete with some recycled comedy ideas and everything. ;)