The Best at Being "The Worst"...and Proud of It!

Well, seems it's that time of year again...the dreaded deadline looming ahead like so many ravenous vultures...like so many you lose count - even if you have one of those fancy hand-held metal clicker things that can be punched to 999 before it resets back to zero...then I guess you have to mentally remember that it spun around one whole time already, kinda like when you're dealing out cards and the phone rings and interrupts you midway and you forget who gets the next card, so you just start all over again because someone probably looked at your cards while you were gone anyway. Yep, the 15th of April is fast approaching and soon everyone will be asking each other, "Did you get it in on time? Did you get your entry in?"

"What the heck is she saying??" you might have asked yourself...and what about vultures? Is she talking about the IRS? Accountants? Huh...cards??? "Nay", say I...I'm talking about 'The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest' also referred to as the 'It was a dark and stormy night' competition. You might have read about it when I won the Grand Prize in 2003. Oh, c'mon...it was on the front page of the Montgomery Advertiser...surely you couldn't have forgotten that? Well, okay...maybe you did. Sigh. Let me then enlighten and elucidate...

You see that long sentence I started my blog off with? The one that goes on and on and on and on. Well, that was intentional..and not just because I am a bad writer (oh, keep the remarks to yourselves) but because I was, at least in 2003, proclaimed as the BEST at being the worst. I won the dubious distinction of writing the worst opening line to a fictional novel...and that opening sentence, above, is a little bit like what you'll see in the competition. Need a better, er...um...worse...example? Here is my winning entry:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.

The rules can be found on their home page...but they are relatively simple. Write the opening line for a fictional novel...make it bad...but make it enjoyably bad. Longer is not necessarily better, but it seems they do tend to favour longer entries...but be careful on your punctuation...there's only so many words you can string together before it gets too monotonous. Monotonous doesn't cut it...badly well written does.

So, do you have what it takes to make the cut? Cut might not be the best choice of words...don't cut...but rather elaborate. Can you write famously bad...to get 14 minutes of fame? All forms of glory can be headed your way...I was interviewed on CNN Live (yes, in the daytime)...and a bunch of other radio/tv stations from California to Australia...I showed up on over 7000 hits on Google...more than Alex Trebek; less than Mel Gibson...my name and entry was in newpapers, literally from Albania to Zimbabwe...I even made the front page of USA Today. In a nutshell, I loved it...can you tell? Okay, so Letterman never called...and Conan O'Brien's people said I probably couldn't fill up six minutes of airtime. Uh huh...right. And Craig Ferguson wasn't around yet...what a pity. But I do try my best to get the word out to people who might not necessarily know about the contest because it really was both a fun experience and an honour to be chosen. Thank you again, Scott Rice.

(Professor Scott Rice, of San Jose University, is the originator of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest which has been running continually since 1982.)

Originally published 4 April 2006.

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This post is part of Nicky and Mike’s "30 Minus 2 Days of Writing" challenge.  (Yes, I know - another 30 days of me begging for people to read my blog...but, dammit, I really want the nasty salty licorice prize...so if I come in 2nd, I think I win it; you can be instrumental in getting me to win and gag on it.  Hell, there'll probably be a blog involved...ooops...spoke too soon probably.) Anyway, today’s topic is "Cheesy". Please check out "We Work For Cheese" for a list of the other participants. 

Todays Theme: 42

Today's word is "42". According to Douglas Adams...it's the answer to the universe and everything else...but that's so obviously passe...so, let's talk about me instead!

But, first let's see our other contestants at Ziva's photography contest before we take a look at mine (located after the list): MikeWJ, Nicky and Mike, Mo, Meleah, John, aka nonamedufus, Bryan, aka Unfinished Person, Malisa, Nora, LaughingMom, Tanya, Elizabeth A., 00dozo, Cheryl, Kristen, Katherine, and Ziva.

My depiction of "42":

Forty-two is how old I was back in 2003...and, for purposes of this post, specifically on 13 July 2003. That's when life as I knew it changed. That's the day I became famous.

Well, actually it was supposed to lead to much better things than it did...but I'm not complaining. People were supposed to line up to interview me (well, CNN was the first of a short long string...so they did kinda line up a little), people were supposed to contact me for book deals (unless we're counting the couple emails I got from wacko strangers online, no one did), and so far no one has made a reality show about my life...altho I'm still game for all of these.

Okay, okay...truth be told I did have the time of my life when I reigned for one year as the "Worst Writer in the World". Oh, wait...did I leave that part out?

Yes, in 2003 I won the "Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest" - no small feat...and I was on thousands...we're talking several tens of thousands...of hits on the Internet. At one point, and I Googled so I know -- I had more hits than Alec Trebek but less than Mel Gibson (this was before the whole Mel Gibson fiasco, mind you). I was in newspapers from Albania to Zimbabwe (yes, I was actually in whatever the equivalent of the Zimbabwe Times is...I checked). I was even interviewed by a very nice woman, who would later be known as "the woman who was still miked when she went into the CNN bathroom and talked about George Bush and her brother's wife"), Kyra Phillips.

And, ever since that fateful day, I made a promise to Scott Rice (the English professor at San Jose University who started this contest back in 1982) that I would do my utmost to promote the contest...so, as you can plainly see, this blog really isn't about me...it's honestly about the contest. And you people have all been duly notified as of this day...because tomorrow, the 15th of April, isn't only tax day...but also the "official" last day to turn in your Bulwer-Lytton entries.

(The newspapers shown above are Alabama's "Montgomery Advertiser", the nation's "USA Today", and New Jersey's "The Star Ledger". Sorry if this post ran longer than 250 words...as evidenced by my winning entry, which was 71 words long, I tend to get a bit "verbosey".)

My 2003 winning entry aka "the best of the worst"...is as follows:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavour entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . . Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by colouring it differently.

"That's not a monster, Mommy...that's YOU!"

Well, my attempts to gain employment in this town have again been shot down and that got me remembering a pre-Christmas silliness I wrote up and posted on Facebook. This got about as much interest there as it will here, but I figured my calendar blog was going to be much better than it was, and it wasn't, so I scrapped that idea; you will get this one instead. This was "inspired" by countless Facebook "friends" sharing their "oh-so-talented" kids' drawings with one another -- and then their friends "oohing" and "aahing" over them -- sounding about as genuine as a porn film starlet.

In my world (which is about as wide as my sofa)...this would be the perfect job for me until some ad agency scoops me up right before I get hired to write my novel...



For a limited time only I will critique your child's artwork or story they've made up. The cost will be $10.00 for three; yep, you heard it right...THREE pieces of artwork and/or stories. Two stories and one drawing of the outside of the house with your whole family standing outside? No problem. Three stories...even if written in crayon -- heck, I'll take them all on.

As the 2003 winner of the "Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest", I feel I am more than qualified to do the writing portion - and as I've been attempting (not attempting very well, mind you) to be a docent at the art museum here...I also have some qualifications for that as well.

Afraid that your little Chagall or Michelangelo is only a three-year-old kid and not a protege? Do you want the validation to NOT have to stick that piece of crap they call "art" up on your fridge? Well, scan them and I'll do it for you. I will give you an entire write-up telling you my feelings...from a realistic and completely unbiased opinion standpoint.

If your son is more J. K. Cringing than J. K. Rowling...I'll be the one to let the hammer fall - and you can walk away with a clear conscience. You won't be disappointed in yourself when you hear those muffled sobs coming from the bedroom...because you will know you honestly didn't just break your little "writer's" dream -- I did.

So, again...this is a limited time offer - the price gets bumped back up to $5.00 each after the 1st of the year. Take advantage of our "Before Christmas Plan" -- a personalized lovely letter (sent by me) with gold stickers and happy faces all over it if your child has any talent whatsoever. Your little one will be running to check the "real" mail each day to see if their envelope has a "Mr. Happy" or "Mr. Yuk!" sticker on it. Either way, you'll thank me...plus they'll get exercise...OUTSIDE!

It's a win-win situation for all!