Potato Farmers - the New Vampires?

Nosferatu, Count Dracula, Lestat, those "Twilight" books, BBC's "Being Human"...and countless other books/films/shows...are all about vampires. Now, while the allure of the vampire is quite compelling...and makes for a good story...I sat here and wondered, "Well, anyone can create a vampire story...it's like just a "continuation" of something which has been done before...a rehash of sorts. It's like taking a story like "Alice in Wonderland" and embellishing it a bit. I mean, it's been done by Lewis Carroll...but if I take it one step further or change it up a bit...it's okay? It's now mine? Well, that's too darn easy. Let's do something which hasn't been done before...but everything has been done before, right?

Yes...everything but a book/film about a potato farmer.

Oh, I checked - "Of Mice and Men" didn't specifically have potatoes...and the film had a lot of hay in it. "Witness" had a lot of hayfields, too. Movies about farmers have been done...but the really hot, lurid goings-on - on a potato farm? Especially if you start it out back in the time of the potato famine...and work it forward. The whole history of "PotatoMan".

C'mon, Will Smith did "Hancock" - I saw "Hancock". "Hancock" was horrid...not even "PotatoMan" could possibly be that bad. Hear me out here...

...the potato has had a very illustrious and compelling history. First you had the famine. (Well, I'm sure there was something before then - but you have to start somewhere.) Sure, the famine was not fun...but if you take a very hot guy with an Irish accent, put him in a well-fitted, slightly worn and rugged shirt and pants...think of a cross between Daniel Day-Lewis and Bryan Brown and throw in a dash of Hugh Jackman...well, you already got your movie right there. All you need is a few words of dialogue. Face it...I'd watch a movie with Hugh Jackman just reading the dictionary...for me, it doesn't need to be Shakespeare here for it to work. Then if you have Hugh Jackman with a ripped shirt reading the dictionary...it could even be a "Serbian to Dutch" dictionary...and, well...I'm going to watch it MORE than once.

Then for some effect - some silly thing happens...like he gets bitten by a potato borer infected with blight and has an allergic reaction (think "Spiderman") - and he gets immortality. He doesn't have to possess superhuman strength or anything...and giving him "borer-power" would be plain idiotic...so let's stick with "everlasting life".

Segue years later...we see him wiping the sweat from his brow while he rests on his pitchfork...a 1940s tractor slowly meandering in the background...similar to the wheat field scene from "Gladiator" - only there's a tractor and a guy picking potatoes instead. With a nice sepia tone to it...really artsy...and sepia always goes very nicely with a moist bronze tan glistening in the sunlight. Yep...Hugh Jackman half-naked basking in the sunlight. Yep. Hmmmm...okay...where was I?

Oh, yeah...okay, there he is...toiling away in the field when, "Eureka!"...a "light-bulb" moment...comes into his head. You see the camera panning in quickly - so you know something super-inspirational has just occurred. It's one of those "epiphany" moments...and it's a definitive turning point in the film. (Yes...I decided to scrap the book idea - and go straight to the big screen on this puppy.)

"PotatoMan" gets this vision...this astonishingly "Nostradamus-clear as a bell" revelation...which will change history as we know it: Mr. Potato Head.


Oh, sure, scoff at Mr. Potato Head...but many lives were virtually changed because of him. And lest us not forget this...how many toys do you know were that famous enough to have a counterpart...other than Barbie...and her and Ken never did tie the knot...the harlot. But, Mr. Potato Head indeed made a respectable woman out of Mrs. Potato Head...and was willing to share not only the limelight with her...but also his very being. His parts...they fit on Mrs. Potato Head; both are willing to see things out of the eyes of the other...literally. This IS the way a marriage should be. We should learn from them...these are compromises...not who gets the car on Wednesday and who gets to control the remote...but when Mr. Potato Head lends a hand to the Missus....he honestly lends her one. I am near tears here, people...theirs is such...such...a giving relationship.

And don't forget how Mr. Potato Head saved Disney. Without him showing up to lend a hand...or eyes...to Woody in "Toy Story"...Pixar would have been yet another dream; with him...it was a full-fledged realization. Potatoes can be the glue to hold a film industry together...and they can even make and break people. History recounts, with much (and then even much more) snickering, the events of 15 June 1992, when our very own Vice-President sat down in Trenton, New Jersey, and matched wits against William Figueroa, 12, a sixth-grader from the Mott School...who bested Mr. Quayle "e"asily. Yes, I'm talking about the great "potato(e)" debaucle which metaphorically whipped the American public into a frenzy - and cut VP Quayle down more than a few slices...and because of the gaffe he couldn't shake...his career quickly went to pieces after that.

"PotatoMan", of course, in his prescience of mind years before...knew these happenings were going to transpire...but, being less the super hero and more just a "thinking man's potato farmer" [who is also immortal]...oh, he knows all. Well, all things potato-related.

When Spuds MacKenzie had to go into rehab in the 1980s...who do you think was there for him? When kids used to decide things by going "One potato, two potato..." it was not merely a nonsensical schoolyard game...but an homage to the great man himself. Yes...even the long ago-played game of "Hot Potato", shortened from its little-known original title of "Hot PotatoMan"...is proof positive that he has fielded and handled all manner of ridicule...and, not being someone who was ever thin-skinned - he has persevered. He has persevered throughout the centuries and never came across as half-baked. He stands resolute in his determination to do good all the days he has on Earth...until that fateful end of days when everything will be consumed by fire. And such is this man - known only as "PotatoMan"...who, even through the inevitable consuming conflagration...before he gets charred to an infinitesimal cinder, will, for one brief, shining moment...smell absolutely wonderful.


End Note: Yes...this was a silly blog. I thought it would be fun to take two totally unconnected items - in this case "Vampires" and "potatoes"...and attempt to give potatoes something which countless couch potatoes could eat up.

So, in closing, I'd like to point one fact out: Face it - potatoes are great. Without potatoes there would be no vodka. Without vodka there would be no Vodka Martinis. Without Vodka Martinis, there would be no James Bond. Without James Bond, Sean Connery's greatest role would have been the guy singing in "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" (oh, don't believe me - go look up the trivia in the IMDb). Without Sean Connery, Craig Ferguson wouldn't get any laughs when he does Connery's Scottish accent...and without Craig Ferguson...I wouldn't get hired next month to be one of his writers...thereby propelling me into the annals of film-writing stardom with my insanely riotous and insightful look into the oft-overlooked and tragically only taken for granted...lowly potato...

...man, what a roundabout way to not only validate this silly blog...but also to beg for a writing job from Craig. (Feel free to forward this on to Craig Ferguson...the least he could do is not laugh.)

Double Clicks/Double Cringes

So I'm sitting here watching "Ninotchka" on TCM just now - and I decide to peruse the bottom of the "news bar" on AOL. They have a few miscellaneous attention grabber clickables with a caption and photo...all designed to whet your appetite enough for you to bite. So I decided to bite - I clicked on one from WalletPop.com entitled "2009 Comebacks" - which tout 25 trends destined to make a comeback in 2009.

Now I don't know about you - but I sometimes get suckered into double clicking links that take me to these pseudo-web gurus which claim to...or at least purport to know certain things. Who the heck dubbed these people the authoritative oracles of whatever knowledge they perceive themselves to possess?

For example, in this "article" and I say "article" whilst I cringe and roll my eyes at the same time...they randomly (because there's no way it isn't) toss out 25 things which they see as reclaiming their heyday gloryness of days gone by. From Spam to the Camaro to Amway and camping...these people must have been leafing through a magazine or channel surfing at 3:00 in the morning and decided to add anything that struck their fancy to this list. The potato??? Sorry...but I never did get the "don't eat potatoes" memo that these guys undoubtedly did. (Yes, I am indeed cringing and rolling my eyes yet again.) Why a list like this was compiled is beyond me...but what was sticking in my craw even more so than why a list like this existed was the fact that I was duped into clicking it to start with.

Shame...shame on me. I know better than to do this. Whenever I click on anything AOL - I always get segued over to some inane site or blog from someone with about as much genius as my cat...only my cat is usually more entertaining.

Anyway...I shall now counter with a list of 13 of my own things (I'll spare you reading a full 25) that will be making a comeback in the near future...and all garnered from a quick walk around my house. Think of it as an "I Spy With My Third Little Eye" game. I'm about as enlightened as they were when I came up with it, after all.

1. Perfume with those little atomizer doohickeys: Yes, due to the retro-resurgence and a perfumed air of all things scentimental...plus a bunch of Jean Harlow films that have hit the airwaves lately on TCM...these things will find their way back into boudoirs all over the country. It will be marketed as a "green product" as the bottle can be refilled. The only catch is that you have to buy their bottle first to pour it INTO your bottle that you bought from them initially - but clever marketing ploys will conveniently leave out that detail.

2. Schoolhouse Rock: It's about time they bring it back - for no other reason than for a whole other generation to witness what trippy LSD-induced animation and catchy tunes can do to boost kids' IQ and memorization skills.

3. Bakeries that actually make bread that tastes like bread should: Okay...maybe this is wishful thinking...but Montgomery especially, needs one of these.

4. Dialogue in film instead of CGI effects and explosions: Again...wishful thinking on my part. Sorry.

5. People using the phrase "good morrow": It's ridiculous I know...but less ridiculous than the resurgence of the potato in the aforementioned "article" I read.

6. Mimeograph machines: Something has to inspire those trippy LSD-inspired cartoonists to draw those new Schoolhouse Rock animations...sniffing the mimeograph paper's ink ought to do it.

7. People actually telling jokes to one another: People used to do this - now they have the Internet to do it...jokes need to be told again. People once upon a time actually told jokes and talked to each other. I know it seems silly now, but they actually did and it was fun.

8. Unscented candles: Just regular candles - no bayberry, no cinnamon spice, no sea breeze, no cotton (like cotton really smells like anything anyway...trust me, this scent actually exists)...just plain candles...used for ambiance and lighting purposes only.

9. Telephone Exchange Names: Like in those old films you used to watch...when people would ask someone for their phone number they would say "MUrray 5-9180". This will at least catch people off guard - but they will think you are swanky and cosmopolitan...they will then go home and promptly Google "swanky" and "cosmopolitan".

10. Knickers: Not the British underwear version - the baggy pants that gather right below the knee. Sure, they are ugly as anything...but it's about time they come back into fashion to remind us just how ugly they truly are.

11. Shampoo that, once again, doesn't tell you to "rinse, lather and repeat": Some company will make the command decision that we aren't really as stupid as all that...and also by leaving off 21 letters they would help save the environment by releasing less production fumes into the atmosphere by using less ink on their packaging. Also, they end up saving their company $4.7 million per year in ink cost alone. Just think how much they could save if they didn't add methoxydibenzoylmethan to it.

12. Chest hair: Men will realize that women used to like hairy chests and that we really aren't that attracted to men who look eerily similar to a Ken doll.

13. Absinthe: Only because I want to taste it...and...it will probably help me forget what I just double clicked on.

And please don't remind me that by adding their link, above, I ended up promoting them in a roundabout way. I know. Sigh...I know...