WTF is going on with Charlie Sheen???

No, seriously.

Okay, let me rephrase that or at least clarify it a bit:

I believe I might be maybe one of about 127 people on the planet who don't know.

I've heard his name mentioned lately with words like "whack", "porn", "insane", "fired", "twins", "cocaine" and "prostitutes". But other than that I couldn't tell you what's going on with him and I'll tell you why...

"I don't CARE!"

(There...there's a catchphrase for ya, ole Charlie!)

No, seriously, again...I don't.

Therefore I won't Google him nor watch any Entertainment Tonight episodes showcasing his antics nor YouTube him. If it wasn't for the fact my local news tonight read (and I use that word loosely) a statement provided by him or his camp or his publicity agent or his new reality show's (and yeah, you know there's bound to be one) producer...or whomever it was who released it - I wouldn't have known anything more than I know now, which isn't much as the statement wasn't at all lucid.

So, with what I've garnered so far about Mr. Sheen (and I use that form of address loosely as well) is that he was born into a celebrity family, probably has talent, probably has a lot of cash, and probably has a lot of people telling him what to do next...all of which he pays copious amounts of money to - to say exactly what he wants to hear.

I also know he was on a show I've never seen which is probably very funny, "Two and a Half Men". Yep, I've never watched it, but that's okay as I've never seen (prepare yourselves now) an episode of "The Simpsons". Yeah, I know...but in my defense I really, really, really love "Futurama".

He also was married to Denise Richards (or something like that) and I confess I don't know what she's at all famous for...other than for marrying Charlie Sheen and then subsequently divorcing him after what probably was a tumultuous marriage filled with even more "cocaine" and "prostitutes" - but she probably was arrested several times herself and is probably on the Internet somewhere (possibly in a police booking photo) without make-up on and probably still looks better than I do in those photos than when I am wearing make-up.

Charlie, in my opinion (which doesn't mean much and I know it), makes Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and the 1980s-2000s Robert Downey, Jr., look like rank amateurs in comparison. I don't know if that statement is at all true...I am just surmising this conclusion based solely on all the press lately which has been wasted on this Sheen guy.

He, also in my opinion (see above), is either: 1) A very disturbed man who needs psychiatric help desperately, or 2) trying to outdo Joaquin Phoenix in the now remotely legendary "Joaquin Phoenix/Casey Affleck Debacle" by staging even more outlandish outrageousness to capitalize upon.

Either way...I see his career eventually on par with Mel Gibson's, who, I'm sorry to say, had one and is now kinda stagnating around like the primordial life forms festering in my pool at this very moment. (Blatant setup to showcase one of my prior blogs - oh, go and click on it: Ah, the Sweet Smell of Spring...On Venus!)

And, also...as it again doesn't remotely mean anything to me in the grand scheme of things...but, I was told by a friend today, that he was making $1.2 million per episode on his "Two and a Half Men" show...so I'm figuring he's going to be making a heluva lot more on his next ludicrous lucrative deal...which I'm sure is in the works - also at this very moment.

Lastly...whatever happened to his brother, Emilio Estevez? Now, THAT I'd be interested in finding out about.

Okay, NOT seriously...but I had to end this blog somehow.

A Great Photo Op...or a Photo Oops?

Just how much does it cost for a night on the town?

Well, not just any night on the town...a hypothetical night on the town as seen through the eyes of someone (me) who doesn't typically see things the way others do...but perhaps a few of you out there have been wondering the same as me. It IS, after all, inevitable.

A little set-up of sorts first:

1. I am old.

2. I love Monty Python.

3. I tend to think outside the box, i.e., not "normally".

4. I'm cynical and sarcastic and sometimes, with the right combination of legal substances, I also am given to flights of fancy that (at least to myself) I am somewhat witty.

Now the gist of what this is about:

Take anyone who reads the online version of their local community paper and give them...oh...a half hour or so...just perusing the site and reading things and looking around. You know -- the normal things.

Normally, this "normal" person will read a few articles, perhaps comment on a few things, perhaps agree with some content and disagree with one thing or another.

But not me.

I've been waiting and waiting for the inevitable. Some might say "Waiting for the other shoe to drop." Others might prefer "Waiting for the $#!^a to hit the fan." Me? Eh...I'm an observer. I'm just waiting around for the lawsuits.

Included in the Gannett online sites are photos of people taken around town...usually at night, and usually these people are in direct proximity to alcoholic beverages.

It has been my experience that alcohol, in small quantities, gives one a slight euphoric feeling; pleasant and a tad giddy. Alcohol in moderate quantities gives you a "devil may care" type of attitude. It's not quite cockiness but it's past the part where some innocent inhibitions start rearing their ugly heads. This is usually where ideas of "singing Karaoke" and shouting "I love you, man!" to everyone at the bar become a really good idea.

Then there is alcohol in more than moderate quantities...but before you get to the spinning, vomiting, and passing out part. Therein lies the "I am immortal" stage. Nothing can hurt you - you are immune. You don't care what you do and what others do and what others see you do.

Enter someone with a camera or cell phone.

And enter you...or more importantly, you with someone who just might not be who you've been routinely photographed with at family gatherings. Someone who you just might not want to bring over to meet Mom. And certainly not someone you'd like to introduce to your Mother-in-law.

Get what I'm saying yet?

For those of you out there who like to be forewarned...there's a naked butt in this video. Twice, I think.

The Monty Python "Blackmail" skit: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDAFrW_vNNQ

"Aha! Right?" Now you see what my little brain thinks when given things to think about...like how expensive a night on the town might actually be for some people.

Again, for those of you out there who like to be forewarned...ANYONE with a Gannett account can post those photos of you at the local hotspot...possibly getting all hot and heavy with someone you just might not want...in the picture...at all.

Suddenly your local community has gotten a whole lot smaller and much more intimate.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh...and smile! You'll look good in the online paper...and in that stack of papers your spouse's attorney has in court.

"Slater"ed for Fame

By now everyone has heard the story of Steven Slater, JetBlue Airways' flight attendant, who, fed up with the non-compliance of a passenger, and after getting bonked on the head with her overhead baggage, threw a hissy fit, cussed at the passengers through the plane's intercom system, grabbed a beer (or two - depending on who you're listening to), told everyone where they could put his job, opened the emergency hatch and slid his way into relative fame online.

He somehow managed to drive back home where he was then later arrested and taken into custody.

Well, this whole thing spread like wildfire and everyone and their mother is sticking up for this guy.

His mother, by the way, unfortunately, has been diagnosed with lung cancer and is dying. Some attributed his strange behaviour to this, which, of course, is never easy to deal with. I never had to deal with my mother dying while I tried to maintain composure on a plane-full of people who listen about as good as a pit bull on steroids.

I tend to be one of maybe 18 people who think this guy did the wrong thing.

And I think the media attention he's getting for flying off the handle and quitting in this way is only opening another door for much more deranged workers to emulate.

Think about being the person standing downwind of the cashier at Walmart when she has had it with the guy trying to pass off an extra item in the "15 or less" line. She grabs his can of hominy grits and throws it at his head, but being that she has carpal tunnel syndrome from doing the repetitive scan "bip bip...bip bip...bip bip" plus coupled with the fact her hearing is shot because you can hear the scanning dinger bell in aisle 12, it whizzes past his head and hits yours instead. She claims it was all due to a nervous tic she developed over the years from being hit on by the octogenarian greeter who also claims he's gone deaf from the incessant "bip bip" noise and mistakenly took her "tic-wink" as a come on.

Your last vision before you depart this life is seeing everyone applauding her as they always thought a case of Coke should be counted as 24 items, too.

Or, there you are, waiting in line for two hours for your six-year-old kid to get a photo op with the drunken Santa they just fired but can't replace as it's nearly closing time so they let him stay on to finish the night. You and your child, totally oblivious to this fact, gleefully await your turn when he suddenly stands up to leave...gets an alcohol head rush and has to sit back down (those of you who've had this happen know what I mean...those who don't - ask someone who does). After grabbing your kid "Ralphie-style", he gets some whack epiphany and starts off on a tirade that would make Mel Gibson blush and your kid is now scarred for life and lashes out worse than a bull each time he sees red.

The people in line who didn't get to see Santa start some rant about commercialism and how Santa has about as much place in Christmas as a bunny does during Easter. Someone captures the whole event on their cell phone and posts it up online. It goes viral overnight and your kid's picture ends up on about 57 comedy website photo caption contests and is further taunted after school starts back up in January.

Then there's the Post Office. But I won't go there as it's really not funny.

And I don't think this is, either.

Luckily this guy wasn't the pilot.