Cougar? I Didn't Even KISS Her!

Cougar—A Cougar is a female, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men. Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five.

Well, I guess I could possibly fall into that category if: 1) I was attracted to 20-year-old guys; and 2) I'd enjoy sexual company of them. As it stands I'm about as asexual as I am apolitical. (I know...line forms to the right, guys...what a catch, huh?)

Anyway...

...the male equivalent, I'm guessing , would be the "dirty old man" or "that creepy old dude".

Now, I know it's nothing new for older men to have younger girlfriends, but in my opinion:

1) If you are the guy - other than sex, what's the point? It's not like you can reminisce about the "good old days". But maybe that IS the thing. It's that age-old problem: "My husband/boyfriend never talks to me." Well, this is an excellent way around that, isn't it, guys? Hmmmmm...there might be some logic in this thinking after all.

2) Why would any hot, young chick want to see an old naked guy? I've seen one. Trust me, it's not that pretty...nor is it remotely comical enough to lend itself being seen on a routine basis. Face it, even the best joke gets stale if you hear it a couple times.

But, while I can't relate, personally, with a man's point of view, I can relate to a woman's. There's a couple things I'd like to get off my non-plastic chest (the last of which would be my bra) about this whole "Cougar" phenomenon.

No, seriously women. Think about it. We are vain creatures...you can fess up...it's true. The guys all know anyway. They're worse than us...but that's another blog.

As vain creatures we buy all sorts of things to make us look attractive. We endure 3 and 4-inch heels, that only a handful of people can actually gracefully walk in. C'mon, you know what I mean...and those of you who can't, you know who you are. If it weren't for the fabulous outfit you got at the mall and the impeccable nails you just had done, that hunched over bent-kneed walk you're sporting looks less than runway and more like "run away!" It's a pretty spot-on impersonation of that large striding Bigfoot sighting caught on film...and walking like that or a mountain goat coming down off the cliff side isn't that becoming. If you're doing that, you might want to rethink that heel size.

But I digress once again.

Lipsticks, hair dye, haircuts, manicures, tanning beds, facial creams, eyebrow and bikini waxes, palates, thongs, and push-up bras...are only a small sampling of the things we do to keep up our appearance...but it's inevitable, we WILL age. Gravity happens. "Perky" is not a word you will ever hear describing anything about you once you are on the "slide down side" of forty, unless you are Katie Couric - and even then it's said in a condescending tone.

Why then...WHY...would you subject yourself to the humiliation of some 20-year-old guy seeing you "sans" clothing?

You girls all know you play a certain game when you get in the bedroom and it's not the one the boys think. You've practiced it in countless mirrors...you got it down to a science...it is a science - the science of looking better than you do. You pose yourself in certain ways in certain lights...candles and darkness are your friends...and a couple well-timed Martinis don't hurt, either.

And when you're alone...you have another game you play: you lift your head and angle your face just so in order to take all those photos you take of yourself. You experiment until you get it right. You might even have collagen or Botox injections in all the right grooves...you might even have a boob job, but do you want to see something which will stop you right in your Jimmy Choo Cougar-tracks? If you don't have some surgical interventions...go grab a couple tissues.

Now go and grab a hand mirror outta the bathroom. If you have one with the regular mirror on one side and the magnifying one on the other side...all the better. Now hold it up to look at your face - you still look pretty hot, right? Now, holding that same exact mirror - bend forward at the waist so your face is now facing the floor.

Scary, huh?

Now, take that same mirror and lie, face-up, on the bed. Whoa! Instant face lift...a good 10 years shaved off without any surgery...maybe 20 comes off if you HAVE surgery.

But, unfortunately for all us ladies, there's not too many legitimate jobs which require you to lie flat on your back all day. So, this is why my next piece of advice is one I'm sticking to.

I don't know about you, but I certainly would rather be the better looking naked one out of the pair of us. Maybe that's why I was never attracted to those Chippendales guys...I don't want to compete with someone whose body looks better than mine. I already have a complete lack of self-esteem...give me the most out of shape guy (well, maybe not THE most out of shape guy) with a brain. Sixty? Fine. 40? Eh. 20? Hell, no! I'm not incredibly vain but I'd also like to keep those last three shreds of confidence that I do have.

So, me...a Cougar? Nah, more like a gray panther.

(Originally written, but not published, approximately three years ago.)

The "Dating Game" (Conclusion)

Now don't get me wrong, we aren't ALL hypocrites...but I've spoken with a lot of people about a lot of things and what people say to one person of one sex isn't necessarily the thing they tell the person of the other. I've actually been quite surprised by the number of people who contacted me, privately, via message, and posted on my blog about what I've been writing. And it goes with what I've been learning, and yes, I say 'learning', over the course of my life. Ironic it's the "course" of my life...because it has been a sort of education...it's a "course" I'm in...and it's not an elective. It's mandatory. And I can't opt out. Well, I could...but I'm not going to.

And I know I whine. Many times I feel so alone since my parents died, so wronged and so cornered with no way out...and then I look around and see what other people are going through, all around the world - and I can't help but think of how fortunate I really am. I honestly don't know how some people can go through what they do...and how many even rise above everything and persevere under such adversity.

But most of the comments I received were from people who felt as I did and felt like so many people I talk to. Regardless of whether you are male or female - if you've devoted a portion of your life to another and it goes wrong, or you had to take out a zillion loans to pay off your bills...and now you are only working to pay off those loans, or you lost your job and you find yourself looking for another one when you are in (or fast approaching) your 50s...and you know you are competing against people who are younger than your own kids...or you're now tasked with taking care of one or both of your parents, or had health issues of your own...it's hard. I think you'll be hard pressed to find someone from the above list who would disagree.

I have to admit - I had a different road I was going to take this story down...but, I don't jot down notes...and when I write one of these blogumns, I sit down at the computer (sometimes on a notepad) and basically run with it. It always turns out differently than what I envisioned...and this time is also no exception.

What I've found out is that people are resilient, remarkable, and also very easily hurt. That guy you see where you work each day who you think has it all together? Probably doesn't. And that woman who brightens up everyone's day...well, she might have been through a lot - but covers it well. Many times I start talking to people, and trust me, when I start talking...chances are we're going to be at it a while...and for some inexplicable reason, they do something I'm not sure they do with everyone. They start to confide in me...and most times very intimate details of their lives. Yes, I am a complete stranger to them...but for some reason they feel compelled to unburden themselves and vent...or, what I'd rather think...they sense I have compassion, empathy and I'm easy to talk to. I'd like to go on thinking that.

Case in point...I ran into a lady the other day at a store here in town...she's from another country and new to the area - and, rather apologetically and reluctantly she asked me a question regarding finding school supplies for her child. I answered, walked away, got in line, and then saw her again while I stood there...and I debated in my head, "Should I just walk up after I'm done here and start up a conversation with her? Maybe she's new here (she DID have an accent afterall) and could use some help finding her way around? Should I even bother?" Well, I'm an extrovert, so the extrovert part of me took over and after I made my purchase - walked over to her and offered up my aid, if she needed it. I think she was appreciative...she started telling me some details of her life...and even a story from her country (yes, I'm respecting her anonymity) about someone who lived there essentially her entire LONG life...and when she died, the cliquey townspeople came up with their "less than welcoming" epitaph for her: "She wasn't from around here." Now, I don't know how true this story is...but it's a story she shared...maybe because I cared enough to lend a hand to show her around town. Sure, I made it known I would also love to have a friend...as you see, I'm also "not from around here"...and altho I've lived here for 18 years and not 99 like the lady in her story...I always feel I'm just an outsider looking in. I've got my nose pressed up against the proverbial glass outside the shop...but they just won't open the door to let me in. And just like that dog that's been kicked so many times...you learn to stop trying to gain anyone's affection...and you go sit back down in the corner licking your wounds.

And there are a lot of wounded people out there. My theory is - as people get older they don't necessarily let new people and new situations into their lives because life IS scary. The longer you live...the more you might have seen it...especially if it seems to happen to you over and over. But familiarity is safe. So some people stay within the confines of their "safe zones"...and their circle of friends...and their dead-end jobs and equally dead-end lives. It IS scary to trust another person...it's hard to not think about rejection (especially when you're not a stranger to it)...be it in a job, a relationship, or even, sometimes...something as simple as talking to a stranger in a shop.

But I'm trying.